I’ve been in the education field for over thirty years.  To this date, the thing with which I struggle the most still is accepting feedback.  Oh, I’m fine with accepting positive feedback.  Who isn’t?  It’s the negative feedback with which I struggle.  I actually have to pray before I open my email because I get so nervous about what I will find!

     No one likes to be told they missed the mark.  Ironically, it’s my job daily to show people where they missed the mark!  That’s what a grade or an evaluation is, right?  We accepted those as kids.  Why is it so much harder to accept negative feedback as an adult?  I believe it has to do with intent.

    When we were kids, we did a lot of acting without intent.  When we laughed at some kid, out intent was never to hurt the kid; it was to enjoy a good laugh with our friends.  It did hurt the one we laughed at, but we were too oblivious to notice.  We went to school, and we did homework, but we didn’t really worry about remembering that stuff longer than to test.  Our intentions were shallow regarding work, and we were fine with that.

   Then we became adults, and we realized that our continuation at our present job required a more intentional approach.  We poured our heart and soul into long hours on the job.  When someone gave us negative feedback, it hurt more because we had actually been trying to impress.

   Part of being gifted is desiring to make a difference in one’s world.  For this reason, gifted teens tend to complete school activities intentionally.  They have goals and standards, and they fear failing in front of people to whom they could be a model.    As parents and teachers of gifted, we have to be careful as to how we give feedback.  If our feedback does not acknowledge the hard work and intent of the activity, the gifted person is less likely to try something like this again. 

    Negative feedback has to be prefaced by a recognition of all done correctly.  Then comes a recognition of how hard it is to maintain the activity perfectly.  When we acknowledge that we know the gifted teen has put his all into something, the feedback is received more willing. 

    Sometimes, the gifted teen doesn’t want to hear negative feedback.  It is important that we develop a way to provide negative feedback without becoming threatening while the teen is young.  We’ve got to establish that success rises out of the ashes of failure, so examining our failures is a great way to grow.

    Of course, knowing the correct time to deliver this negative feedback and following up with some ideas for ways to improve are just as important.  Gifted teens sometimes think that they are “all that with a shiny red bow.”  We have to be able to break the will that keeps their egos inflated without breaking their spirits. 

    The next time you are about to offer a little negative feedback to your child, stop to consider how you would like to be told.  Paying attention to the feelings of the person receiving the negative feedback might not only net you positive change, but a feel-good opportunity as well!

                                          Michelle