Today’s topic is probably one of the most important pieces of knowledge we can teach our gifted children. We can ask them to have a good attitude, but they don’t necessarily know how to do that, especially older gifted who are prone to depression, or at least sadness. But when we teach kids to prepare for situations, they learn how not to have reactions that can be embarrassing. And anyone who has dealt with the reaction of a gifted kid knows it can be pretty darn embarrassing!
The way to teach a child to act rather than react is to have him make action plans for several situations.
To the four-year-old: Okay, we’re going to go into the convenience store to get some milk for breakfast tomorrow. We are not going to get candy because it is almost bedtime. We are not going to get a soda either for the same reason. I will buy one item for you to put into your lunch for school tomorrow. You have three minutes to pick an item, and then I am picking for you. If you do not complete this as I’ve asked, you will go straight to bed when we get home. (The child now knows the action to take place and the consequence if not done.)
To the preteen: Sure, you may dress yourself. If I, however, receive word from the school that you have worn something inappropriate, you will be on restriction at home for two weeks. These are my guidelines and the school’s policies on clothing.
To the teen: I understand that you have been interacting with others all day long at school and are talked out by the time you get home. I am not asking for an evening of conversation. I would like you to add one hour to your “on” time before shutting yourself off to the physical world and retreating to your room. I would like you to help with dinner prep, converse at the table, and help clean up. Then you may enter your digital world. (Notice that there is no consequence for the teen. Your gifted teen is old enough to understand the reason for the request, and you have not negated an activity… just postponed it.)
We have to do the same with our actions and reactions. Very gifted kids will buck rules. It’s a given. Parents need to anticipate what the child might do and define an action. It’s helpful if you do this prior to the action actually happening. For instance, when your gifted teen gains the ability to drive, he will most likely break a few of your rules because he doesn’t think you’ll know. So, you display a set of actions and the consequences they will receive should he be caught. Then you are not surprised a pushed into a reaction, and the choice to have those consequences was his, not yours.
It is impossible to anticipate all of the possible actions of a gifted child, though. Believe me, I’ve been teaching them a long time, and I am constantly surprised at the depths of their creativity when it comes to doing things they shouldn’t! Often I react. The kids and I call it “clearing a space and pitching a fit.” I, however, have completed an action and repeatedly drawn attention to that action throughout the school year: I tell the kids that, when I get upset, it’s at what they’ve done. I’m not unhappy with them; I’m happy with their choices. I will punish the choice, but I still like the person. This goes a long way.
Okay, so you’ve done the work of making an action plan with your gifted child, complete with consequences that matter (and they must matter to the child). Your child understands and acknowledges the action and the consequences for noncompliance. Then you enter the establishment, and he throws a loud, attention-drawing fit. This is important: A repeated, noncompliant reaction is really just the action your child has decided upon. A reaction comes because the action was not planned. The first time you walked into a toy store with your child and without the intent to buy him something might illicit a strong reaction. But it should not once you have made an action plan.
We’re going into the toy store to buy a gift for your friend’s birthday. It is not your birthday, so we’re not getting you something. If you throw a fit for me to buy you something, we will put your friend’s gift choice back on the shelf, and you will not go to the party. Understand?
If the child still throws a fit, it is important to know as a parent that you are being manipulated by a gifted child. He is betting that he can cause you enough discomfort to just give in to his demands. Giving in will ruin that child. I promise you. I have dealt with so many kids whose parents have done this. The child is smart and has leadership potential. I cannot, however, put him in leadership because he uses the same strategies he’s learned for getting what he wants to lead. The group will not follow someone who always works it out to get his own way.
Parenting gifted is far from easy, but it can be easier if we set the consequences for bad actions and choices ahead of time – in a broad enough manner to cover a multitude of potential infractions. The more we anticipate their actions, the less we end up reacting.
Michelle