Ever heard the phrase:  God gave you two ears and one mouth.  Use them in that proportion.  I’ve said that phrase many times myself.  It’s ironic coming from a woman who got spanked at school for talking too much! 

      Good leaders absolutely must listen.  They must listen to the needs of their followers.  Nobody wants a leader who just conducts business as usual.  People want someone who takes the time to get to know them personally.  A leader who listens can learn from complaints and can stimulate involvement from those following because they feel valued.

      I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know, am I?  Let’s change the scenario a little and make the leader a parent, though.  Listening becomes a twenty-four/seven thing, doesn’t it?  My dad said that I was the only kid who could turn a half-day of kindergarten into a whole day of description! 

      We want our kids to talk to us.  We want them to feel that they can bring anything to us, no matter how mundane or silly they might think it is.  We do this so that they will talk to us when questionable ideas come up.  Unfortunately for many, all that listening doesn’t pay off.  When the teen years come, communication is cut off abruptly.   

     So, how do we cultivate an environment that values listening?  Here are some ideas I give my parents:

1)      Don’t demand communication immediately after school.  It’s okay for your teen to be quiet.  Most teens have been “on” all day (talking to teachers, talking to friends, talking to coaches, talking to counselors).  They’re just as worn out at the end of the day as you are from your day.  Let them ride home silently. 

2)     Have a designated sharing time.  For most, this is dinner.  Some families just can’t make dinner work, though.  For those families, I recommend a thirty-minute period right before the youngest (or oldest!) family member goes off to bed.  If you start this when they are children, the teens won’t buck this later.  (If you missed starting this till the teen years, it’s not going to work.  Sorry!) Sometimes you can just talk about tomorrow’s schedule.  Other conversation will naturally rise from this.

3)     Make a way for your teen to signal that he/she needs to talk.  I took my son to Sonic… just the two of us.  Waiting in the car for our treat made some time available.  After a while, he would ask to go to Sonic, and I would know something heavy was on his mind.  My daughter was a little easier because she and I talk about everything.  The one-child-only date can make time available for the teen who won’t speak about anything in front of the family.

4)     Truly listen to your child.  He is giving you clues to his thinking all the time. We adults are just really good at missing them.

5)     Consider corresponding in notes and letters with your child.  I’ve found that students will tell me about anything and everything if they are writing, where they won’t say a single bit of it to me verbally.  Even small notes can give large amounts of information… if you’re listening.

    There is one last key to successful listening:  action.  Listening always requires some kind of action.  That action might just be affirming the feelings, or it might involve making some major changes.  Nothing stops communication more rapidly, though, than getting a child to open up and then blowing off what they say as wrong or not important or silly.  All communication is important and useful. 

-        Michelle