I often hear people say, “I have no self-discipline.” Everyone has self-discipline. We just choose not to exercise it at times. I know what I need to do to be at a healthier weight; I just don’t choose to do that. It involves restricting foods and beverages I like and spending some time exercising, and I don’t want to give up those foods yet or spend that time exercising.
Now there are other things about which I am incredibly self-disciplined! For instance, I do not, have not, and will not ever smoke. I don’t load a bunch of games on my phone because I know I will waste time playing them. I stay off social media because I don’t like intentionally making myself mad. And on Sunday evenings at 7:00, the BBC is on at our hose for another episode of Dr. Who!
Self-discipline comes when we challenge our excuses. A placard in my room reads: Excuses only satisfy the person who makes them. So true. I have to admit, though, that sometimes I don’t fully form the excuses in my head expressly because I would then have to address them! Ah, the links to which we humans will go not to have to be self-disciplined.
But here’s the trade-off: people who lack self-discipline must be disciplined by some other entity. Students in our school who do not get good grades receive extra-curricular restriction. Too many times of extra-curricular restriction with no observable change, and the student can lose the right to attend the school. If I choose not to discipline myself regarding my weight, my body will begin to discipline me through issues with blood pressure, heart disease, and possibly diabetes.
So, I guess the thing we have to realize is that discipline will come. Do we want it to come from our hand or from someone or something else?
This is a great way to pose the question of self-discipline to your gifted child or teen. You don’t want to do the homework? You are owning the poor grades and the consequences that go with those grades (activity suspension, less choice for college attendance, no one wanting you on their team for a project). If parents would help kids to see that their discipline comes only after the child has chosen not to self-discipline, much of the guilt of parenting would be gone. You did not cause that child to make a bad decision. You simply related the consequences of making that decision. The child chose the consequences by making that decision; you were not involved.
I love the way our PreK – K classes discipline. They have a sliding scale with clothespins with each child’s name on one. The kids’ clothespins all start in the middle of the scale at the beginning of the day. If a child is making a bad choice, the teacher gently points out the error of the child’s way. If the child continues to make that bad choice, the teacher has the child move the clothespin down one level so that the child understand that he made the decision that caused the downward movement. Later on, if that same child does something really responsible or great, he gets to move the clothespin back up. As he makes decisions throughout the day, the clothespin reflects his choices. By the end of the day, the parents cannot see the journey… just where he landed.
Now, compare that to a red light, greenlight, or yellow light given at the conclusion of a preschooler’s day. The child brings home a red light. When asked by mom, “What for?” He shrugs his shoulder and says, “The teacher doesn’t like me.” The student does not see where he has any influence over that decision at all. And he so does! His behavior caused the teacher to give that color. But he’s not looking at the whole day because he’s already forgotten everything since lunch!
Self-discipline begins when we are conscious that we bear the burden to regulate our behavior. Teach your children this principle early, Parents. It will save a mess of excuses headed your way!
- Michelle