Probably the most important factor in determining whether a student is accepted or not into our school is control. Is the parent in control, or is the child? If the child is in control, but the parent is seeking help to change that, we can help. But if the child is in control, and the parent is firmly keeping him there, I will recommend rejection every time. Let me explain.
An alarmingly growing number of parents are letting their kids call the shots. I understand using the sickeningly sweet voice with your dog or your cat, but children have the ability to reason… even at a young age. Trying to coax a child into compliance is not reasoning with him. Reasoning comes after compliance (or way before the situation ever occurs, pre-emptive, if you will). Most children want to do what’s right and acting out is really a call for the parents to care enough to discipline.
On the other hand, some elementary schools in our area have sought too much control. The students wear uniforms, walk through the halls with “bubbles” in their mouths, and have no sugar on their campus (even going as far as taking the sweets out of lunch boxes brought to school!). Kids at our school have no uniforms, talk as they move between classes, and actually get a small dessert every day. Yet, we have little trouble getting them to concentrate in class and do what’s right throughout the day.
I think the key is expectations. If you do not discipline your child at home, he will embarrass you when you try to do it in public. If you set a high standard at home, he will keep to that high standard when in public. You can reason with your child, but that reasoning comes along with compliance. Children should understand why you need them to do something, but they also need to comply with that “something.” This should not be a problem if you have been consistent with the child both at home and in public.
High intelligence is no excuse for bad behavior. Many of the students at our school have the potential to be Sheldon Coopers (Big Bang Theory). We work very hard to help our children know that their rights do not trump others’ rights just because they are smarter than most.
If you are in control when they are young, you will not have to tightly control when they become teens. It is important that you relinquish some of that control as the kids grow. Third graders and on should pick what they wear… even if those clothes might strike you as odd. (Your control can come in the form of supply. “I will not buy that type of clothing, but you may use your money to buy them.”) Kids should have a tablet or phone in mid-middle school, but you should control availability of content and freedom to keep it if misused. High schoolers should be able to drive and spend an evening out with friends, but they should also have a curfew and maintenance jobs with the car.
If it helps, think of “control” as this: love. The parent who cares whether his daughter makes it home safely after a date has a curfew because he loves her. The parent who gives the teen no curfew may not know for a full day that his teen did not come home. That might be too late to save her. I’m a morning person. In high school, I loved my curfew because I was tired! “It’s not my fault; I have a curfew…. Ahhhh, bed!” If you play your cards right, your teen will actually appreciate the areas you still control.
Until then, please do your child’s teacher a favor. The best students are the ones whose parents explained their reasoning but were definitely in control.
- Michelle