Apologies can be very easy to make, and yet, they can be extremely difficult to almost impossible to do. How can any one thing be at both ends of a spectrum simultaneously? I guess the answer to that question is “it’s a matter of the heart.” Any child can say, “Sorry…” and have absolutely no remorse at all. In fact, I refuse to let any of my students get by with the perfunctory “sorry” as an apology.
It has become common place for a child to say “sorry,” and for the recipient to say, “That’s okay.” I, however, will not accept that interchange. It is not okay for a child to offend someone and then be told it was okay for him to do so. I teach the other child to say, “It’s not okay. Please don’t do it again.” Depending upon the level of maturity of the child, I ask him to tell the offender how the act in question made him feel. I believe it is important for the offender to know the pain he caused.
Accepting apologies is probably harder than making them. It is extremely difficult to forgive and forget after one has been hurt. My husband, the therapist, says you don’t have to forget. In fact, it may be impossible to forget the act. But forgiveness is a positive and deliberate action one determines to make. You have to choose to forgive the offender.
I have been able to forgive some very horrifying things in my life. I have not ever forgotten them…it is an impossibility. However, I watched my own mother refuse to forgive my father for several things that damaged their relationship. That refusal to forgive caused her heart to be filled with bitterness. There was so much bitterness in her heart that she had no room for love in that heart. What a shame!
I like what the Bible teaches about love in 1st Corinthians 13. The new living translation really spells out what many apologies lack…love and concern for the other person. “It does not hold grudges and will hardly even notice when others do it wrong. It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever truth wins out.”
I’ve also been taught the teaching of Jesus recorded in Matthew 5:23: “So if you are standing before the altar in the Temple, offering a sacrifice to God, and suddenly remember that a friend has something against you, leave your sacrifice there beside the altar and go and apologize and be reconciled to him, and then come and offer your sacrifice to God. Come to terms quickly with your enemy…”
Even though it was hard, I have on several occasions had to go make it right with someone…even when it clearly was not my fault that a problem existed. I trusted the Bible’s teaching in this matter and did as it said. I have never regretted my actions. In fact, my life has been blessed by my willingness to apologize in order to bring about peace.
In this day of Internet persecutions, harassment, and tabloid-like news stories…we need people to learn to give and accept apologies. We need to begin to believe in others, to seek the best for them, and restore a right relationship with others and with God. Only then, I feel, will real healing come to our divided nation.
- Kay