Communication on the part of someone in a leadership role is something I have lived and survived by experience.  Therefore, I will just share some hard-learned lessons from my 55+ years in administration.  Needless to say, I am still learning some lessons with each passing year since I am not perfect!

    One mistake I made when I was young was believing that I could have friendships at different levels with my employees.  It didn’t take long for me to find that being the boss was a lonely position!  Although my husband and I had so much in common with one couple that we often did weekend activities together, it didn’t take long to see that’s a no-no.  It reminded me of the “teacher’s pet” mantra of elementary days gone by.

    When I had to reprimand my first teacher, I made the error of trying to tell her I was a soft-spoken administrator who didn’t like making waves.  By that comment, I meant for her to understand that having to reprimand her was something I didn’t enjoy doing.  A few days later she came back to me with the following statement.  “I talked with a lawyer friend and told him what you said about being soft-spoken and not enjoying conflict.  He told me to go after you like a tiger!”  Wow!  I was mortified.  However, I regained my composure, and simply explained: “I was trying to tell you that I don’t like conflict, but if I am cornered, I’m like a cornered animal that comes out fighting!  She backed off, made some of the changes in her classroom behavior, and we finished the year.  I learned to just say what is necessary and not try to spare feelings.

    I have a Hi and Lois cartoon on my file cabinet which was given to me by a former parent of one of my students.  The children run over to their mother who is sunning in a beach chair and exclaim, ”Mom!  We just saw our teacher over there on the beach and she was wearing a bikini and she was hugging and kissing a man!  Are teachers supposed to be like real people?!”

    I learned that often the leader is expected to be “much different than” others in all areas of life.  One of my students went through a really hard social persecution by some of the families in our school.  I had worked so hard to help him become a success that I was hurt deeply at how they were treating him.  I decided to plead for mercy for this student and as I did, I couldn’t help but cry.  It didn’t take long before a telephone committee called my board to have me removed because I dared cry in front of the students.  I am extremely happy to say that my board stood by me and supported my right to be like other people and have feelings, too.

    A former male teacher confronted me one day in my office to share with me that he was going to have my job!  He wanted to be our candidate for “teacher of the year,” and put together his portfolio.  One day when I was absent, he told the students he didn’t receive the nomination and it was all their fault!  I reprimanded him for placing the blame on them and for his outburst of anger with them.  He then told me his plan for having my job.  “When you discipline the students, I go in after you are finished, and I pour out the kindness and suck up their affection.  It’s something I learned in the military.”  I was surprised to find he asked my board to fire me for three reasons: 1) I wouldn’t allow him to drive a child home by himself if the parent missed the after school pickup time.  I did allow myself or another female teacher to do so.  (My explanation then was I was trying to protect him from being in a compromising position and at the mercy of a child’s word against his should something go wrong.)  2) He complained that I had a time of prayer with my staff after staff meetings.  Although it was a voluntary thing, he felt pressured to stay.  3) His final complaint was that my husband and I got to take a cruise for our 25th wedding anniversary and our coca cola bill (since we don’t drink) for the cruise was $75…more than he spends for groceries in a week.  I was dumbfounded as were the members of my board.  

    I am so thankful that my board stood behind me over my thirty- year career with that district.  I think one reason was that I was a person of my word.  I took to heart what Jesus taught, “Let your yes be yes and your no be no.”  In other words, speak only truth and keep your word so that you don’t have to make oaths to verify what you say.

    To keep that faith in my word, I always made conferences about students three-way with parent, child and teacher present.  How could we hope to make a plan for improvement if the child wasn’t involved in the plan?  I made sure all my teachers are protected by having big windows on classroom doors and by asking staff never to be alone with a child.  It’s protection for everyone.

    I communicated with my parents, students and staff, expressing my desire to hear all sides of issues and to give everyone the right to have their position heard and considered.  We have done the same thing here at Lawton Academy.  Parents actually made the decision for our calendar year starting in Aug. and having longer breaks than one or two days which allowed the families greater traveling time.

    Our accreditation corporation requires surveys of students, staff, parents, and patrons.  Think how much improvement might be made in the public-school debates if surveys were taken and given validity.  It might bring about some needed changes in the way education is being practiced.  But the really best way to improve in that area would be for every adult to spend at least one day in the school setting walking in the teachers’ shoes.  I think the doors of communication might open wide!                

-          Kay

Communication is one of the vital functions of any given organization. As a leader, it is important that you are able to effectively communicate and understand the ways in which your subordinates communicate. Communication, when used correctly, can persuade, influence, and affect others in a way that can greatly impact an organization. 

In my business communication class, we start with the basic concepts of communications. We talk through different communication models to learn about the different ways in which humans communicate with each other. We also talk about the different communication styles. 

There are a couple of communication styles that leaders are encouraged to use. Generally speaking, leaders who are assertive with their communication style are more effective. One reason that assertive communication is better for leaders is because it will give your subordinates a better understanding of what is expected of them. Additionally, assertive communication can provide effective criticism and appropriate feedback.

There are also communication skills that effective leaders should possess. Leaders that have skills in listening, motivation, directing, teaching, coaching, and advising can bring a lot to the table for a variety of reasons. All of the above are important communication skills that leaders should master to effectively motivate and understand their workforce.

I won’t explain each skill, but one that you don’t always associate with communicating is listening. One of the worst things a leader can do is fail to listen to his or her employees, stakeholders, and audiences. Taking time to listen to key stakeholders can give leaders important information that can help the leader make more fully thought-out decisions. Listening also helps you better understand the people around you. When given the opportunity to be heard, your employees can provide insight and solutions that you might never have thought of on your own.

Communication is one of the most powerful resources for leaders when it is correctly and adequately used. It is something that you will have to do regardless of your proficiency level. It serves you well to develop your communication skills. If you cannot communicate properly, you can find yourself in compromising situations. Learning to communicate gives you control of the situation and puts you in the driver’s seat. Give yourself that gift and start working on your communication today. 

-          Bria

Commitment

We have recently discussed “commitments” in the frame of mind of maintaining commitments that one has made. When applying the idea of commitment to the characteristics of a good leader, it takes on a different meaning. While a leader should still keep the commitments that he or she has made, there are other implications of commitment that affect leadership. 

One of the biggest challenges of leadership is committing to maintaining company values and a positive attitude, even when things are not going your way. In times of high pressure or hardship at a company, people will look to the leadership for guidance. Those situations call for leaders to be positive, encouraging, and optimistic. This is not always an easy task, especially if the hardship directly impacts the leader.

Think about scenarios in which companies experience a crisis. This might be a major recall for a food brand, a controversial story coming out about a major investor of a particular company, or something even more serious like a plane crash or train accident that causes fatalities. In times of crisis, it is easy to fall into patterns of negativity and commiserate with employees in a way that is not productive. Although this is the easier thing to do, it is not appropriate. Leaders must maintain an optimistic outlook to give employees hope. 

Similar commitment is needed from leaders when an unpopular decision is made by their employer. Many times, decisions will be made that not everyone will like. It is the responsibility of the leader to understand that the decision was the best possible choice, even if some people do not agree, and commit to speaking positively about the decision to maintain company loyalty. This action will not only diffuse some of the negative opinions, it will reinforce to your boss that you stand by the decisions made by the company. 

It is hard to commit to optimism when everyone else is being pessimistic, but ultimately that is the responsibility of the leader. When everyone else commiserates, you must maintain a good attitude and uphold your company’s standards and values. There are certain aspects of leadership that are more challenging than others. I would consider this to be one of the most challenging responsibilities of a leader because the commitment must be maintained regardless of the state of mind or emotion. This is not necessarily a trait that comes naturally. As humans, we desire to be like those around us. Future leaders, take the time to practice and develop this skill. It is a great way to see advancement in your career, and it is an important part of being a good leader.

                                                            Bria

   One would think that commitment was the number one leadership quality, but I have met some really committed leaders who were not very good at their jobs. I guess that’s on-the-job learning! Commitment is #3 on John Maxwell’s list, so one can see it’s importance.

   Last night our school’s robotics team won the top award, and we will now head to Regionals in Denver, Colorado. After several years of robots not doing what we wanted them to once we got to competition, this victory was much-needed. As I drove the bus home, I was reflecting as to who was the most valuable team member. Was it the sixth grader with the genius idea to which we turned when our servos failed? Or the phenomenal artists who every year make our display a work of art? How about the fabulous speakers who confidently present our brand in the exhibit and marketing presentations? Or the five robot drivers who put many evenings in practicing driving the robot and who never got flustered when parts failed but instead just thought of a new direction? Or was it the spirit captain who got 33 tired children to enjoy cheering so much that they won the spirit and sportsmanship award? Truth be told, I am proud of all of the kids. They made commitments to an activity that is extremely hard, and they were rewarded last night. I couldn’t be more pleased!

   True commitment recognizes that failure is just a learning opportunity. Leaders who continue beyond failures are so much wiser for having gone through it. Parents, you must use every failure as a teaching point. You must not be afraid to point out where shortcuts were taken or instructions were not followed. If you follow-up with complimenting all they did correctly, the future leader will hear the caution but also hear that you are not disappointed in them… just the choice made, and that can be changed by next go-around, especially if you make a plan for a next time.

    I’m pretty old-fashioned. I believe that commitments should be kept. My marriage, my teaching commitments, my membership in a group. If we teach our kids to at least follow through to the end of the period to which we committed, we never have to exit with our tail between our legs.

    Teaching our kids commitment takes a major time commitment from us, though. Believe me, this is a commitment worth making and keeping!

                                                                                                Michelle

    Commitment and leadership skills go hand-in-hand.  If a leader is expected to be trusted by his/her followers, there must be a strong commitment which is lived out by that leader daily.

You cannot get by with the old saying, “Do as I say, not as I do!”  In this world of social media and the new “freedom of speech,” which covers people who choose to deceive others or to chastise those with whom they disagree, it would be suicide to make that stand.

    I’ve watched many businesses over the years come and go quite quickly.  Many times, it was because they could not or did not carry out their commitments to their clientele.  Such businesses may have been a great idea, but there was insufficient funding or a lack of knowledge about running a business.  Dedication and commitment are sometimes the only shoestrings that hold such an endeavor together.

    I often wonder how our future society will be, considering that these young people have watched a lack of commitment each and every day by their families, friends, politicians, and adults entrusted with their safety and well-being.  I am astounded at the number of arrests and trials taking place all over our nation with teachers, coaches, religious leaders, and parents who have been found guilty of abusing children in their care.

    Perhaps we need to take up the practice by many of “renewing our vows” as married couples have done.  What would happen to our daily lives if we made a new commitment to our employers, employees, friends, family members, children, and even to our God?  I think if such a move would bring about certain change, then perhaps we aren’t fully committed now.  We are the only one who can judge our levels of commitment accurately.  

    I’ve written two statements on the top of my marker board in my classroom.  They came to my mind as I was preparing for our five-year accreditation review visit.  They are as follows: 

Every moment of the day is a teaching opportunity.  Every moment of the day is a learning moment.

    Just writing down those two thoughts where I see them every day has caused me to find a new level of commitment to my students.  I especially prayed about and asked for a super-hero amount of patience and dedication in dealing with my students who aren’t that interested in putting forth the effort necessary to meet the LAAS standards of learning.  So far, I’ve seen God answer my prayers in exciting new ways.  Success is becoming a part of their learning each day.  And needless to say, with each advancement by these students, I find new energy and a new level of commitment to and for them.

    Where did I get the idea to pray for such a commitment?  Simple: read the Bible in John the 17th chapter.  Jesus prayed for his disciples and all those who would follow Him in the future.  He committed Himself to them and to all of us making up future generations.  He made a commitment and verified it with God.  God gave Him the strength to carry it out.  So, instead of becoming discouraged or giving up, I recommitted myself as a teacher to those who are a little harder to reach and teach.       

                                                                                  Kay

Charisma

Hmmm… we don’t seem to share the same definition of charisma. There’s merit in both schools of thought, though! We’ll let you decide.

Charisma is defined as a divine gift that causes people to have devotion for or to a person possessing that gift.  It is like a magnetic force that draws people to a person.  It is not something one can work to achieve, or something one can develop with practice.

    I have met several people who had charisma during my lifetime.  During our years as ministers of music and youth in area churches, my husband and I watched several young college men with charisma draw stadiums of youth to listen to their messages.  These young men came from a dramatic life change such as turning from drug use to adopting the Christian way of life.  Their stories were very moving and emotional which added to their natural charisma.

    Unfortunately, we also watched these young men lead thousands of young people to follow their ministries closely, and then revert to their old way of living.  What a disappointment they were to so many people.  Many young people had their lives visibly shaken with the experience.  My husband even had one such charismatic preacher tell his followers, “Do as I say, not as I do.

    I think the Bible is very clear in this matter: don’t put young, new converts in places of leadership too soon.  The temptation is to “take oneself too seriously.”  Charisma is a gift; a person who has it can’t help it.  If a person tries to help it, the adage becomes true that: “You can tell a self-made man because he always gets the head too big!”

    There are a few instances in my teaching career when I’ve had a student with “charisma.”  No matter what that student did, people were drawn to him.  The only problems this presented was that entertaining the followers often interfered with learning needed by that student.  If people are busy telling you how great you are, why should you take the time to develop skills you lack?  You seem fine without it.  

    The results of the scenario above were that the “charismatic” person still seems to be searching for what he wants to do in life.  He has never really settled to one thing.  However, he is successful in entertaining audiences.  But every time I talk with him, he still seems to be searching for something else.

    I’m always amazed at the thousands of cheering fans at college football games.  As those athletes perform and acknowledge the accolades of those fans when they score points, I think, “What must they feel the week after they graduate from college and they are not headed to the professional draft scene?”  I’m sure it must be an overwhelming let down for them.

    In summary, this may be a part of the leadership skills.  However, I tend to think it is simply something that is divinely granted to some people.  It is their responsibility to use it wisely.  Better to be a person dedicated to a way of life that is admirable and to so live that way of life that people can trust that person and follow his leadership without fear of harmful results.    

    Two movie stars that had charisma in my opinion were Debbie Reynolds and Doris Day.  Both of these stars were often stereotyped, but they lived true to their “clean image” on and off the stage.  I had the joy of meeting Debbie Reynolds twice in my life, and both times, she was as warm and pleasant to me as I had believed she would be.  Yet, both these ladies met with life struggles and disappointments in their marriages.  They never lost their charisma, though,…nor their good reputations!   

                                                                   - Kay

Think about your favorite leader under which you have worked. This might be in a job, club, sport, project, or any other organized activity in which you are led. What did you like about this person? What made him/her such a great leader? For most of you the answer is not about how many products they sold, or how many games they won. We appreciate leaders with a good personality, that know how to motivate a team in a way that is empowering and uplifting rather than condescending. Largely, what we define as a good leader is a charismatic person.

Charisma is defined as “compelling attractiveness or charm that can inspire devotion in others.” The key here is that charismatic people can inspire devotion in others. In history we have seen charisma used as a leadership tactic by both great and evil leaders. Thinking of leaders of negative groups such as cults or hate groups, it was the charisma of the leader that was able to sway followers to act against their moral compasses. These people had charisma that drew followers to them regardless of their cause.

If charisma can give evil leaders the power of absolute devotion in people, think about the powerful force that charisma can be for an honest leader. We talked last week about character and how people like to work for leaders with good character. They also like to follow leaders that are likeable and relatable. This is where charisma comes into play. 

Climbing the corporate ladder is much like running for office. You have to get people on your side. To rise to the top, you have to win people over and get supporters on your side. If you are not naturally charismatic, don’t worry. There are ways to develop these skills. A great resource is Dale Carnegie’s book, “How to Win Friends and Influence People.” This is a book that advertising students are required to read, but it is useful information for anyone who wants to learn how to win people over. 

As you are developing your leadership skills, remember to work on social skills as well. People support those who are well liked. It is much easier to maintain talented staff when you are a likeable leader. If charisma doesn’t come naturally, you can develop it over time. Put some effort into developing your social skills as well as your hard skills. 

-       Bria

     If you have a gifted child, you know he/she likes to be the boss.  You’ve known it since watching your child play with others at the playground.  Imagine how many bosses we have on the playground at one time at our school!  There’s a big difference between being bossy and leading.   To lead, one needs charisma.  Charisma is the ability to draw others to oneself, and it is absolutely essential to becoming a great leader.  

   Charisma can be developed, but how does one go about developing it?  One key aspect is to truly love life.  Wow!  That’s a big one!  I have a lot of secondary students who complain about life.  Those who love it are fewer and farther between.  Honestly, I think more of them love it than let on; complaining is just a habit.  Another key aspect is to give people hope.  Now, that’s a pretty tall order for a person who is busy complaining about how much life stinks.   A third big aspect is to make everyone feel like a “10.”  Now, this isn’t “snake oil salesman” charm. This is making people feel as if they are worth your time and attention. A final aspect is to share oneself - wisdom, resources, and even special occasions.  

    As you can see, it is very important to break your gifted child’s habit of complaining.  (Yours doesn’t complain?  Yay!  Not the norm.)  It wears you out, I know.  It’s easier just to tune him/her out… to let him/her spend the evening playing games or on social media because at least they’re not complaining to you!  Every day of ingraining this habit is a step further away from charisma and true leadership opportunities. 

    It is your job to help your child realize how much time he spends talking about himself.  I remember a painful tip from my new husband as we prepared to go to a military event.  He said, “Try not to say ‘I’ so much tonight.”  Ouch!  I have never forgotten that, though.  No one had ever told me that I talked about myself all the time.  Over the years, I have had to train myself to ask others about themselves.  I even have to tell myself, when I run into a friend at a store, “They don’t care why you’re here or what you’re getting.  Ask them about something you remember about them.”  

    I still say “I” a lot; now, though, I am sharing my experiences for instructional purposes, so it’s not all bad!  I’m doing it even now.  

    Mom and Dad, you teach your children how to see life… both by what you say and how you live and speak.  If you find yourself complaining several days in a row, it’s time to be a better model.  You can teach your child to see the glass half-full, especially if you model a life that is optimistic.  It’s amazing how good life gets when you concentrate on the good… and people flock to those who offer hope and share of themselves and have interest in them.  Charisma is extremely important to your gifted child’s development as a leader, and it’s the one in which he’s least equipped naturally.  

                      Michelle

Character

    According to John Maxwell in his book 21 Qualities of a Leader, we create “character” every time we make a choice.  Okay. So, think of your list of character traits.  Mine would include persistence, proactivity, integrity, devotion, spirituality, optimism, and fairness.  On the dark side, I would also include impatience, abrasiveness, decisiveness, and pettiness.  I’m also a “fixer,” but I’m not quite sure if that is one trait or a bunch thrown together to explain why I must fix things. 

    If I buy into what Maxwell is saying, then all of these traits were created by the choices I made.  You mean I wasn’t born this way?  I didn’t inherit these traits from my parents?  More likely, I learned these traits from my parents.  They modeled the ways in which they handled life’s situations, I watched, and I made similar decisions.  As we grow into adolescence, we begin disagreeing with some of our parents’ methods and start making some of our own choices. 

    I think confusion comes from not knowing the difference between personality and character.  Several studies have shown that our personalities are pretty much set by age five.  The personality is the range of different characteristics and qualities a person has.  It is who we seem to be; who we present to the world.  It can change over time, but those changes don’t come because of pressure from society.

    When we refer to character, however, we are talking about who we really are… the part of us that stays hidden from society…. that inner voice that helps us make decisions. This is mental or moral behavior that definitely requires validation from society, and it is absolutely learned.  Oddly enough, though, once learned, it doesn’t really change within us. 

    So, as I set out to teach leadership traits to my students, one might ask, “Why bother if character traits don’t really change in a person?”  This is true… but unlike personality, the character traits aren’t set by age five.  I’m trying to ensure that a child’s introduction to that character trait involves the best qualities of leadership so that the choices made are good ones.  That is worth my time!

    The next twenty-one TriOpinion blogs are going to go hand-in-hand with the leadership traits we are teaching at our school that week.  This first one is obviously character, and in teaching character, I am going to be asking kids to look at the way they make choices.  I’m going to encourage students to make the best choices and to stay away from choices that are good to some people and bad to other people. Leaders cannot afford to perform in those gray areas due to the amount of scrutiny under which leaders perform!

    As parents of gifted children, I want you to understand that your child is prone to self-advancement, even if that self-advancement is only a way to get out of required work.  Most gifted kids live in the “gray area” of choices.  Your gifted child wants to engage you on why a particular choice is wrong, and he will often times manipulate the situation until you are feeling like you almost saying the same thing he is.  In my time of working with gifted children, I have debated everything from whether or not grades are an adequate measure of worth to whether or not I am allowed to “assign” genders.  (I don’t feel as if I’m “assigning” them, but I have been told otherwise!)  There is truth in both sides of the debate, but the gifted child’s goal isn’t necessarily truth; more often than not, it’s just “rattling you”!  If you know that going in, though, the debate can become enjoyable and instructional.  I happen to enjoy a good discussion.  It keeps me thinking.  Sometimes my opinions have been changed on a subject.  Never my character, though.  The decisions I make are always in line with my character.  And here we are, full circle. 

    So, Parents, if you want your child to develop positive character traits, you must teach them to him.  This requires questioning your child about decisions.  How did you come to this decision?  Was this the best choice, or is there another possibility?  Have you hurt others by making this choice, or is this a win/win?   Getting our children to think through a decision and its consequences is the first step to helping them become good leader.  And the good news is that, once you instill good character, it will stay!

-        Michelle

    Character, according to the dictionary, is the moral or ethical structure of a person. One quote cited by an old friend, Dr. Orbra Hulsey, says “I will exercise character.  I will do a good turn and keep it a secret.  If anyone finds out, it won’t count.”

    The Bible teaches in James 1:4 “So let your endurance grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything.”  Dr. Hulsey also quoted the following statements which really help one to understand the meaning of character.  “Character, like a rifle, cannot shoot higher than it is aimed.”  “Above all other things in the world, character has supreme value.  A man can never be more than what his character can make him.”  “The world may take the liberty of making our reputations for us, but we alone can build our own character.”  “The object of knowledge should be to mature wisdom and improve character.”  “Character is a victory, not a gift.”  And finally, “A man’s reputation is only what men think him to be; his character is what God knows him to be.”

    I’ve always heard that our eyes are the windows of our soul.  As I quoted my old friend in the previous lines, I remember the gleam and twinkle that were always present in his eyes.  A smile just automatically comes as I picture this fine Christian man of education.  We lost a man of great character when he passed away.

    I’ve looked into the eyes of death on two occasions: at my father-in-law’s death bed, and at the Oklahoma State University vet school when we had to put down our wonderful Great Pyrenees dog, Oscar.  I was overwhelmed at how there was absolutely no gleam or twinkle in the eyes of either one.  A glass marble has more reflection and depth than the eyes when death comes.  So, I believe that a person of good character will be able to sparkle and shine through his/her eyes.  Perhaps that is one reason a person who tells a lie usually cannot look you straight in the eyes.  Just knowing that fact helped me work with children brought to me for discipline.  

    A leader with good character is usually honored by his/her followers.  The group is usually dedicated to the tasks and goals set by the leader because that leader is trusted to show good judgment.  When we hear “You only live once,” remember if you work it right, once is enough.  As I give my students opportunities for leadership, I will do what I can to encourage them to develop good character.  Then, to sum it up for them, I offer this quote:

    “Self-respect cannot be hunted. It cannot be purchased.  It is never for sale…It comes to us when we are alone, in quiet moments, in quiet places, when we suddenly realize that, knowing the good, we have done it; knowing the beautiful, we have served it; knowing the truth, we have spoken it.”   I close in loving tribute to this man of character I knew.    

-         Kay

We always hear that people are judged based upon their character. This word is used to speak to the characteristics of a person. Generally speaking, we associate good character with traits such as honesty, reliability, responsibility, and integrity. On the other end of the spectrum, we have poor character traits, which are the antithesis of the good character traits. A third interesting application of the term character is when we describe someone as “quite a character.” This generally means that that individual is quirky, flamboyant, overenthusiastic, or unique. 

There are many ways that the idea of character slips into our everyday conversations, and we use it as a frame of reference for judging others and deciding with which people we would like to be friends or work, or even for which to work. Good character is a very important trait of good leaders. There is one frame of thinking that says, “People don’t quit jobs; they quit bosses.” Bosses and leaders have power and influence over their followers and employees. With this power comes responsibility to be good and just leaders. People look to the leaders in their lives to uphold these good character traits. 

It is very hard to work for a leader with poor character. I believe that the reason young employees jump from job to job so frequently nowadays is because the business world (to an extent) rewards leaders who act with poor character. Because of this, we are seeing more and more leaders who act unethically in hiring/firing procedures, financial management, inclusion, and partnership agreements. While not all of this is immediately public information, it all comes out over time, and it can create a very toxic work environment for the rest of the staff. 

-        Bria

Fall Break

Happy Fall, All! We are enjoying the week break from school, but we will write again next Sunday.

Posturing

    Posturing is a subject I have studied over the years in order to better understand and work effectively with my students. Generally, I think of it as the student trying to convince me or others that he/she is brighter, smarter, faster, kinder, etc. than the other students.  Used in this manner, it is a form of manipulation.  However, there are other examples of “posturing” not so easily noticed or thought about which can affect a classroom for good or bad.  As a good teacher, it is my duty to be aware of each of these types of posturing.

    As I stated above, the manipulating type of posturing usually rears its head around report card times, special recognition or award times, or right before parent / teacher conferences.  Often a misbehaving child figures his/her posturing towards “God’s precious little angel” will change my planned delivery of information to the parents.  When it is time to award our “Super Hero Decision Maker Award” at each month’s end, I get all kinds of “gifts” and the offering of special help with chores around the classroom or schoolyard.  Needless to say, I do not let the posturing change my honest delivery of information or choice of awardee.

    A more important type of posturing does demand my attention and does require me to always be on my toes in the classroom.  Because we use tables and chairs for group interaction in our classrooms, this posturing can greatly affect the class behavior.  The placement of students at a table can unintentionally set a child up as the leader of the group.  This might be used if I need a child to act in this role, but it can be devastating if an aggressive child is given that particular place setting.

    Another form of posturing of which I am aware is that of cultural training and expectations.  If the child’s culture teaches that it is improper to look an adult directly in the eyes, I must acknowledge that custom and work with the parents and the child to find a means of communication I can use with that student.  

    Finally, I must be careful not to overlook the “posture” of children during the typical day.  That unspoken body language can tell me so much more than any words the child may use.  Often I try to encourage students who are introverts to change their posture so others will see them more positively.  When a child carries him/herself in a defeated manner, people will not usually engage them in positive interactions.  Does it work?

    Try this simple trick I was taught long ago by a fashion model.  When you walk, always lead with the heel of your foot.  Try doing this consciously…see if you don’t feel a little more in control or powerful.  What others see is a positive person who knows where he/she is going!

-       Kay

Working with middle school and early high school boys for the first time in my life has given me a much clearer idea of posturing. For the first month of school, I kept thinking about how confident they were at such a young age. Generally speaking, I think the media (movies, television, etc.) portrays 6th-9th graders as awkward and unconfident. So it was a big culture shock for me to hear a 6th grade boy walk into a room of much older kids and demand everyone’s attention. 

What I have come to learn since is that this behavior is partially attributed to the giftedness, but also that it is certainly posturing. I witness this type of behavior every single day as our young students try to figure out their place in this world. I don’t believe that this is necessarily an incorrect instinct, but it can definitely wear on the patience of the people that have to watch the posturing all the time. 

Young teenagers often feel the need to posture to make themselves seem cooler or smarter than they actually are. In the case of interpersonal relationships at this age, we see boys trying to impress each other with actions that older kids and adults would perceive as annoying or childish. On the intelligence front, middle school students are still learning discipline and responsibility about classwork and assignments, so we often see posturing when the student is not adequately prepared to discuss a certain topic or take a test. 

Often this posturing comes from a lack of self-confidence. Parents if you are noticing this behavior in your children, this is a sign that they are struggling with self-esteem. It is on us as well as you to find additional ways to build them up so that they do not need to posture. Real confidence can replace the annoying posturing when self-esteem exists. Take some time to invest in your child’s confidence.

-       Bria

    Nearly everyone out there has had someone tell you to sit up or stand up straight. That’s not the kind of posture we’re addressing this week. Posturing is behavior that is intended to impress or mislead. Very few of us have never postured.  We see it in our school the most with students who are not highly gifted.  The gifted kids don’t have to posture because they are good at many things.   Just about anything they try, they are going to make a decent showing.  The ones who posture the most in my school are the ones who cannot compete academically.  These students often excel at sports or talents or fashion or something similar.  Because they cannot swing the best grades in the room, they posture to impress (not to mislead).  

    Because I know this is going to happen, I try to build many activities in my program that allow rewarding of that posturing.  I do not want someone who is not technically “gifted” to think he/she is not, in fact, talented.  Talented people get work just as often as gifted people.  

    If you have multiple children, posturing is occurring in your home.  You’re going to need to check yourself to make sure you are not only rewarding academics.  In the same vein, your gifted child will begin posturing if your praise goes to the talented child.  

    I know that the definition of posturing seems derogatory.  I don’t think it is, though.  I think posturing is simply a person’s way of saying, “I have value, too.”  If you have a child who seeks to impress quite a bit, you might have a child who cannot tell you are proud of him.  Do your best to praise each child for his special abilities rather than comparing one to the other.  

    Now, I cannot help you if you have the posturing child who does it to mislead.  Smart kids come from smart parents, though, so don’t accept “buttering up.”  The chances are high that the child is leading you away from the truth!  You’ll just have to learn his “tell,” and keep him on the high road!

-       Michelle

Commitments

This has been a big year of commitments for my husband and me. In 2019, we got married, bought a house, and moved from Chicago to Oklahoma to take a job that locks us in for a long-term commitment. At one point of my life, all of these things would scare me, but part of maturing is getting comfortable with commitment and learning how to make and maintain these commitments. 

We ask a lot of the students in our secondary program. We offer more than twenty extra-curricular clubs, teams, and opportunities. Because our kids are talented in a lot of areas, they often sign up for multiple clubs or teams. We see a majority of our secondary students participating in more than four extra-curricular activities throughout the school, with several participating in closer to ten activities. That is a huge time commitment, and it causes a lot of scheduling conflicts. On the teaching/administrative side of these activities, there are fees, rules/regulations, and expectations to uphold. Because of these matters and because we are teaching our students to be strong leaders, we require our students to honor their commitments. 

At the beginning of each year, students fill out activity forms with the clubs and teams in which they are interested. These forms go home to parents to review, and a signed copy comes back to us. At that point, the student has committed to participate in that activity and any associated competitions or practices. From that point on, students are expected to honor these commitments. That means when a student skips archery to participate in other activities or work on homework, there are repercussions for these actions. This might seem harsh, but we are training leaders, and we believe that it is important for these students to prioritize their previous commitments. 

There are, of course, exceptions to the rule. If a student is out of town because the parent is bringing them on a work trip, the missed clubs will not result in reprimanding. Similarly, illness, injury, family emergencies, etc. are all viable excuses for missing activities. Beyond that, we look at situations on a case-by-case basis. But largely, our students are expected to show up and give it 100%. 

Teaching children the importance of honoring their commitments during their adolescence will translate to important skills in their adult lives. Beyond the benefits of committing in the workplace, there are a lot of personal commitments your child will face in his or her future. The lessons we are instilling now can help your child stay committed to relationships, jobs, and their personal and professional goals. Think about these important lessons next time your child is too tired to go to wrestling practice or doesn’t feel like attending that weekend speech tournament. The decisions you are making now have long term effects. Make sure you are empowering your child to maintain his commitments. 

                                             Bria

    Commitments are promises to complete a pledge or to stand upon your position about a certain subject.  However, while people are heard to say, “I am overcommitted,” rarely do we hear someone say, “I’ve made too many promises!”  This makes the two words seem different when they are not.

    Maybe there would be less divorce if people said, “I promise,” rather than agreeing to a “commitment.”  Even little children try to make promises believed by saying, “I cross my heart …hope to die, stick a needle in my eye.”  That seems to be evidence that a promise is to be a very sacred trust.  Our courts ask, “Do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth…”   They don’t ask for a “commitment” to the judge, jury, or defendant. So, I believe that a promise carries more weight than a commitment.  Yes, I realize I may be wrong.

    I think it is easier for a person to excuse him/herself from things he/she doesn’t want to do if he/she can claim “overcommitment.”  That seems like they only have a problem with scheduling…and we all know that schedules can cause difficulties for everyone.  But if a person admits that he/she must break promises, guilt is immediate.  It is as if we are admitting to being a liar.  That certainly weighs heavy on one’s psyche or heart.

    So, with all the above being said, to what should we commit ourselves?  For me, it is a daily pledge to God, my family, our school and our students to make every effort to do my best teaching to enable their success.  Whatever it takes to see student progress made each day, that will I do.  If it means extra time to bring about a certain expected outcome, I am willing to work it out with arrangements made not to hurt others awaiting my time.  Every action taken will have ramifications in many directions.  One simply cannot make a sudden decision to do something without regard to others who will be affected by it.

    The main area where I have difficulty is not making a change to an agreed-upon schedule.  Sometimes I see a necessary change as important, while others have already made plans and desire to carry out those activities.  The more people involved in a team situation, the more important it is to keep everyone on the same schedule.  I have learned that some of us can deal with sudden change and function quite readily.  Others simply need planning time first.  

Thus, I am living proof that you “can teach an old dog new tricks!”  

    I am a “fixer,” so I look for immediate solutions to problems.  I react to and quickly try to solve crises when they arise.  However, someone once pointed out that we are bombarded by so many “crises” every day that it is similar to putting lots of little pebbles in a jar first.  Then, it is impossible to put in the large stones that are important issues.  We need to commit to taking care of the large important issues first (big rocks in the jar first) and there will be plenty of room for all the little issues (the sand) later.  That way, I needn’t be “over-committed.”  I only need to get my priorities right!       Kay

   I remember going to see a movie in the early 90’s about a self-proclaimed “promoter” who sought to start an R&B group in Ireland but could only recruit fellow Irishmen. In spite of not being the traditional R&B group, the small band was successful because R&B was so wanted in that area. The name of movie and the band? The Commitments.” 

    I’ve never thought about the choice of that name till today. It took a lot of commitment to bring an unpopular genre to a country, but it takes even more commitment to sing R&B! The music itself requires soul-bearing and complete trust in your voice to move people. 

    One more random thought: why do we say when we make the hard decision to put a person in a mental health institute that we are “committing” them? I think it’s because we are committing to full-time concentration on helping the person, even if the full-time is given by some other entity.

     So, from these related ideas, one can assume that commitment requires full participation.  As I creak and groan while walking, I can without a blink say that I am committed. My family taught me that a commitment means I give my very best effort to the event or cause, and I do. This leads to long hours and stiff body parts from exertion, but the results are always good and well-worth it. Often people will express that they don’t know how I do so much, and I am always quick to point out my reliance on Christ for strength and direction. Few, however, want to give what it takes to get the results my family and I do, though.

     What should we consider before making a commitment? I don’t know that all people understand the requirements of a commitment. I run into students daily who make “commitments,” and then stop a little bit in. Better than any scolding or consequence I’ve ever given is the role model older students are. When kids see other kids making and keeping commitments well, they tend to step up.

     As parents of gifted kids, then, I guess my advice before okaying your child’s opportunity is to talk about your expectations for their commitment level and to make sure your child has youth role models in sight.

                                                  Michelle