My last assignment in my 7th-11th writing class is entitled “My Truth.” I told the kids that this assignment would not go through the usual peer editing because of the things shared, and I told them that, while I will read it, this exercise was predominantly for their benefit. I asked them to explore how they are doing mentally, physically, and spiritually. These assessments would form the pillars of their own personal “truth.”

   Last week I met with each of my high schoolers regarding what they wrote. It was a fantastic chance to belay some fears, assure kids that I love and have their best interests in mind, and help kids see that their struggles are often common to many. 

   I was reminded through this exercise how much students need adults off which to bounce their ideas. When they don’t have that, they are allowing friends and the Internet to form their opinions. And more often than not, they feel alone… not part of a community of shared thoughts. 

   The number of high schoolers who do not speak to their parents in the evening has grown since the pandemic. We learned to go to our alone place within the house, and that has not changed. Parents, here is the truth: if you don’t re-engage, there’s a pretty good chance you will not see the “you” in any part of your child’s adult life. Why is that important? Because parents pass on morals and good decision-making practices. The Internet cannot do that. 

   Now, it’s usual for your teen to be worn out at the end of day and sleep a bit. It’s normal for there to be friction between you and your teen as they prepare to leave the nest. You cannot force family time. What you must do instead is make opportunities for sharing. Go on a hike or to an ice cream shop. Just the two of you. Don’t prod; just listen for opportunities to reflect. Don’t judge or punish or warn. Just let your teen try ideas out. Play “would you rather” and open the door to ideas. 

    If you will take time with your teen, his “truth” will reflect some of what you have taught him. 

-        Michelle

Loyalty Counts!

     Loyalty is a two-way street, right?  Not necessarily.  Parents of gifted pre-teens/teens know that, when mad, their children can say and do some awful things.  I remember as a sixth grader calling my mother names and yelling at her.  I was very awful.  I remember thinking “I know this is really mean, but she’s wrong, and it’s more important to be right than to be nice.”  Fortunately, God smacked me down by sending me to a large school not knowing a soul.  I got a lot quieter!

   I’ve asked students every year if they sometimes have the same reasoning in their heads – the “more important to be right” thing.  They have all acknowledged that they have.  So, I want you to hear me, Parents of Gifted Children:  you must be loyal to your kids regardless of what they say or do as a young teen.  The intense need to be right is difficult to overcome.  You can argue with them and punish them; just don’t give up on them.  They do love you.  It may not sound like it, but I guarantee that they do.  They just want to win the argument. The desire is as strong as the feeling that we’ve failed when we’re not the first ones to turn a paper in.  I cannot explain it, but it’s real.

    As future leaders, I’ve asked my kids to think about the loyalty they want to inspire in those who follow them.  I try to model leadership that demands much from my students but also values their opinions and input.  I want them to meet high standards and make our program even better with their suggestions.  Even so, this time of year, several abandon our school for bigger schools with more programs but weaker academics.  It’s very hard not to believe that they are being disloyal.  They are not, though. They are exploring and experiencing.  We might have done the same.  We cannot take it personally.

    As a parent, you may feel that your kids are not remaining loyal to you – to the family.  You have to remember that they are gong to launch (hopefully!) at some point.  The closer they get to that launch, the more they are going to spread the wings of their own ideas and try them out.  After all, who wants to jump out of the nest without having ever tried the wings a bit first?

   That “wing-spreading” may involve some activities of which you do not approve, but I know very few adults who don’t have a coming-of-age tale to spin.  If you don’t drive them away by micro-managing, your kids will remain loyal to you.  My children and I don’t agree on everything, just as my parents and I do not.  Yet, we are all loyal to each other.  There is not a one who would not stand for another in times of hardship.  Loyalty breeds loyalty – whether you are the follower or the leader.

-        Michelle

     As Bria and I both mentioned in last week’s topic (Reputation Counts!), gifted and talented kids rarely know their reputations.  They know only the view they are trying to project.  Before a person can work on personal development, he has to believe that development should occur.  As I said last week, it is critical that you help your child know how he is perceived.  Only then can he see to any personal development that should occur. 

     There are ways you can handle helping your child understand his fallacies without destroying him.  Let’s say that your child is teaching himself to play the piano.  Congratulate him on benchmark accomplishments.  You don’t have to get him piano lessons.  In fact, most gifted will quit when made to practice.  But, you should take him to competitions to here others his age play.  He will evaluate how his playing stacks up.  At this point, he will either quit or dig in and practice.  If he quits, don’t worry.  Gifted and talented kids have a wide variety of interests.  When something no longer holds their interests, they move on.  For this reason, parents shouldn’t rush out to buy expensive equipment and such until their child has maintained interest for a half a year or more.  I’ve learned this the hard way at school several times!

     I’m going to contradict myself here a little bit.  I just mentioned quitting, but when your child joins a team or ensemble, it is important that you not let him quit.  He is letting down a group, and that is not okay.  Sticking it out will be a great personal development exercise.  Make your child finish the commitment made, and then let them quit the activity if they still want to.  Most times, they will quit, but at least they gave it a fair try, and they didn’t let a team down.

     Another way to teach your child to seek personal development is to do “after-action reports.”  This is a term borrowed from the Army.  After an exercise, the soldiers get together to analyze how things went.  As you are driving home from an activity or during the trip to celebrate the game, spend some time discussing with your child how he thinks he did.  If he cannot see anything that didn’t go well, you can let him know what you saw.  Just be careful not to destroy him.  Frame it as something you saw that could improve. 

     Before the next time the activity is attempted, remind your child of what he said he should work on.  At the end, again ask if he felt he did his best. Before long, he will begin evaluating himself on his own.  Personal development cannot help but follow.

-        Michelle

    For over thirty years, the name Kay Johnson was synonymous with Flower Mound Elementary School. You could not mention one without evoking thoughts of the other. Under her leadership, Flower Mound became a model school for Oklahoma. She retired there 23 years ago; yet, Flower Mound still reaps the benefits of her reputation. That fact taught me that established reputations take a long time to be forgotten.  

    It’s March, and our school, Lawton Academy, has 190 kids already contracted to come to school next year. That’s only 14 kids less than we have enrolled now. We have established the reputation. Now our job is to continue to live up to that reputation. 

    Parents of gifted, let me make you aware: your kids are usually oblivious to their reputations. I know very few who do not believe that they are the answer to any issue that may arise. I am constantly amazed at the blank stares of “who me?” when I point out a trend of negative behavior in a gifted child. 

    It is very important that you not sugarcoat the ugly tendencies of your child. You don’t have to vilify them either. Instead, you should use any opportunity you can to show them the behavior elsewhere and discuss how ugly it is. Then you can carefully point out times your child has done the same. Or you can use the “how would you feel if” procedure. However you choose to do it, do not let the behaviors just slip by. In doing so, you are creating the next toxic boss… the next monster of a person.

    It is important that we help our gifted children to understand the reputation they are creating. We get it: they’re smart. They’re not the only ones smart, though. And smart is not enough to get people to follow one’s lead. People follow leaders who listen. Parents, teach your kids to listen… to think… to empathize. They should be able to predict what damage could occur to their reputations or make moves that build a great reputation.

    It’s never comfortable pointing out a fallacy, and gifted children are especially repulsed by any suggestion that their ways are not THE way. I have found them very open to new ideas, though, whenever we’re talking hypothetically. As the parent of a gifted teen, you’ve just got to be creative with your approach. You can do it! Gifted kids come from gifted parents!

           -Michelle

Teaching your gifted child gratitude is more than just training him to say “thank you.” That’s an automatic response. It requires no thinking… just certain conditions present. When it comes to teaching gratitude, a parent has to work on the overall attitude of his gifted child. Your toy broke? I’m so sorry. Let’s reflect on the joy that toy gave you and decide if a replacement is required.

    Now, of course, you can’t ask a young child that question in exactly those words, but if you console and then direct him to be thankful for the time he had with it and employ him to work out whether a replacement is needed or he just wants to preserve the memory, you will be teaching your child an attitude of gratitude.

    Why is it even important to teach this? Because without it, we run the risk of raising selfish, materialistic children.  I see this over and over. You’d be surprised how many secondary students I have to teach how to be grateful for the experience in spite of a loss. 

    If this task seems daunting or unrealistic, you are probably going to need to do a check on yourself. Do you have an attitude of gratitude? Are you thankful for what you learn through adversity? Don't cripple your children by blocking all adversity from their lives. This is how kids become thoughtful adults, and thoughtful adults develop attitudes of gratitude.

Michelle

     Our leadership topic this week is health.  I told my students that this counts mental, spiritual, and physical health.  All three are important to anyone, but to a leader, they are super-important. 

Spiritual Health

    Our spirituality is our source of strength.  Even not believing in any Higher Being is a spirituality.  The Oxford Dictionary defines spirituality as the quality of being concerned with the human spirit or soul as opposed to material or physical things.  All of us have this concern.  It’s the very essence of taking care of ourselves and those around us.

    Leaders do have a responsibility to be concerned with the human spirit or soul – their own and those of the individuals they lead.  This does not mean they need to dictate what followers believe.  It just means that leaders should allow for the spirituality of their followers.  They should not cause someone to have to defy his spiritual boundaries. 

    You can teach your gifted child this trait by making him aware of all of the different ways people express their spirituality.  If he is aware of many and he knows what he believes, he will be less likely to fall for just anything he is presented.  He will also be a more tolerant leader.

Mental Health

     Our society has become very sensitive to mental health and is encouraging people to take care of their mental health.  This is good.  How do you know if your child has good mental health?  Through communication.  As your child ages, he will be less and less likely to share with you, especially if he thinks something might be wrong.  The only way to get your child to talk to you about troubling issues is to establish a rapport early in the child’s life. 

I used to take my son on “Sonic dates.”  Sonic is an Oklahoma drive-in restaurant.  The reason I chose there is because you have to wait in your car for them to bring your food item.  This always allowed for time just to talk.  Once I had initiated the trip to Sonic as just the two of us and then used it to talk, Justin began asking me if I wanted to go to Sonic any time he had something on his mind.  It became a great way to ask for help without actually having to ask for help.  Once there, the talking just came. 

    I highly recommend spending alone time with each of your children so that they have a safe place to try out ideas, express concerns, or just talk.  If you establish this with your child, as an adult, he will seek a similar listener.  Having someone off which to bounce ideas is so very important in leadership, as much so as having someone close enough to see that something is wrong.

Physical Health

     Here is where we as an American society are failing.  We actually have a generation of kids out there who believe that they are not supposed to ever feel pain or be sick.  They stay home for a headache (not a migraine, just a headache).  They swear they tore a muscle if their legs hurt at all when running.  And they think because a mosquito bite causes a bump that they are “allergic” to mosquitos!  If they are, then we all are.  By running our kids to urgent care every time they sniffle, we have made a very sickly group of children.  Couple that with the morbid obesity we’re seeing in children, and we are not raising a very healthy group.

     Leaders must be present.  It is absolute a must.  If the leader is gone too much, I can guarantee you that someone is plotting how to usurp the authority.  We need to teach our children to push through the small things.  I hurt literally every time I stand up.  That’s arthritis for you.  But I am here.  I am present, and I don’t ask anything of those I lead that I do no ask of myself. 

    You do not have to turn your child into a weight-lifting phenom to help him be a physically healthy leader.  You just need to teach him that physically healthy people are smarter at work and trusted with more.  As leaders, this is what we desire. 

     If your gifted child will cultivate health in these three areas, I guarantee people will follow!

-        Michelle

Optimism Counts!

    I have been called an eternal optimist.  I like that moniker. I think my optimism stems from my faith, though.  I believe that God is in control of my life.  No matter what happens, I know that He is in control.  Even when bad things happen, I know that He can work it to good as long as I’m in His will.  This makes it somewhat easy to be optimistic.

    I think the example of a coach is the best example of optimistic leadership.  The coach who leads his team to believe that it can win is a coach to be praised.  The coach whose pep talk includes the words “We’re going to lose, but…” does not win the favor of a team or those watching.  If the team is losing, the coach spends half time reminding them that they can do it.  They can be victorious.  Afterwards, he does not accuse the team of being a bunch of losers.  He tells them areas in which they were weak, and he makes a plan to work on those areas. 

    If we adopt this same approach with our gifted kids, we can help them avoid the pessimism that so many gifted develop over time.  We have to coach them through their losses.  We have to help them see that no one wins all of the time.  If a child learns that he will win some and lose some, but he only loses face if he loses badly, he will grow to be optimistic about his chances.

    More threatening is the tendency for gifted kids to become sinical teens and adults.  It is so easy to think that they are the smartest ones in the room at all times.  It is easy to grow weary of dealing with those they find unintelligent.  It’s typical for them to see patterns and begin to believe that change cannot occur.  As teachers and parents of gifted, we must fight this tendency with everything we’ve got.  Begin by teaching optimism, and then move to mercy and recognition that everyone is stupid to someone.  If you take the time to cultivate optimism and patience with others, your gifted children will become valuable members of society.

-        Michelle

     Beginning with a definition is a weak attention-grabber, but I’m seriously not sure people know the definition of etiquette anymore.  In its purest form, etiquette is just being nice.  What a concept!! Whether we’re talking about a former President who routinely adds derogatory adjectives to people’s names or the continued increase in gun violence, “nice” is not a high priority in our country nowadays,

     If you want to do an etiquette check on your community, you need only go to a Wal-Mart.  Watch how many people actually say “excuse me” if they have to pass between a shopper and the shelf.  Count how many people thank the cashier or answer the greeter.  Walk down an aisle and notice how many families stay strung out across the entire aisle so that no one can pass by, never noticing they are blocking the path.

    I’m sure people would blame this loss of etiquette on the pandemic.  After all, behind masks, we cannot be heard.  People are used to not speaking throughout their entire time in a store.  We hide behind our masks, never even smiling at others.  The loss of manners amongst teenagers started way before the pandemic, though.  

   So, what happened?  I believe that one of the biggest reasons might be because we no longer have a shared experience of common shows on television and common books we read at school.  Yes, parents do a lot of the teaching of common etiquette.  But when I was a kid, I was more likely to watch my favorite television star do something and repeat it than do what my parents said outside of their presence.  When everyone was watching the Huxtables or the Tanner family, we learned common manners from the dinner table to entertaining guests.  Now that there are literally millions of shows to watch on hundreds of platforms, there’s no guarantee that we’re all being taught the same lessons of politeness.  

   Parents, you must step up.  Sure, we can live in a world without the pleasantries of manners.  The question is do we want to?  I do.  I want a “thank you” when I hold a door open for someone.  I want a wave of thanks when I allow a car to go in front of me.  I want people to share the sidewalk.  These are not tremendous requests.  They make sense.  

   Our elementary teachers showed my video discussing this week’s topic of etiquette.  In the video I spoke of the number of secondary students who never thank me for driving them out to lunch on Fridays.  Upon conclusion of the clip, our kindergarten teacher pointed out how few of the kids thank anyone holding a door for them.  A few minutes later, the entirety of our elementary students emptied through a door out onto the playground.  Thirteen students thanked the teacher for holding the door.  Epic fail!!!  The first grade teacher made them go back in and watch the film again!  

   Manners do not come naturally.  It is the responsibility of parents and teachers to model correct behavior and teach our kids how things should be done.  “No one else does it” should not make lessons cease.

Michelle

    You know, I hadn’t though of this till just now, but the addition of “self” to this leadership trait is very telling.  Discipline is very important in leadership.  But self-discipline carries the implication that it only works if done by the “self.”  Our leaders at school rarely need discipline from another source because they practice self-discipline.  And, let’s face it, if one doesn’t discipline himself, he is pushing that responsibility onto another human being.

   It’s easy to know what discipline a child needs, but what discipline do adult workers need?  Well, there’s discipline in the professional clothing, discipline in arrival, break, and departure times, discipline is work quality.  And discipline in treatment of others.  Should that employee decide not to self-discipline, he is inviting a boss to do the disciplining.  Failure to dress appropriately could result in a fine or an embarrassing shout out.  Treating other poorly could lead to training with the HR department or a loss of clients, should there be clients.  And a lack of discipline when it comes to the number of hours worked and the quality of that work could lead to the loss of that job.  Most of us are very self-disciplined when it comes to our job.

   We teachers ask students to be self-disciplined in the many ways, to include staying quiet while the teacher is instructing; keeping hands, feet, and objects to themselves; doing the work; and getting along with others.  When the students cannot exercise self-discipline in these areas, then the teacher or principals have to do the disciplining. I guarantee that adult discipliners are rougher on the transgressor than they would be on themselves!

   I think the key to helping your gifted child become self-disciplined is to show him the necessity and the consequences for not doing it in adult life and encourage him to practice now.  When teens enroll in our school, I tell them that this is their job.  Their salary is the tuition their parents are paying.  If they don’t do their job well, I will tell their parents to fire them.  This always takes the student back a bit, but the parents understand completely.  Your child will do the job well, or your child will not be allowed to return.  We expect our students to work hard and to be self-disciplined.  We do not want to push or pull them.  We want to run alongside them, pointing out opportunities and opening doors.

  It’s tempting to not teach your kids self-discipline now.  After all, they are only kids once, right?  Why tell them the ugly truths about life?  Because those ugly truths don’t have to be part of their realities if you do tell them the consequences now and help them practice.  Knowledge is power!

                                                                                                         Michelle

     The word passion, like its synonym love, has been misused so often that kids don’t really understand it’s true meaning without assistance. I described it to my students as a need to do something and a joy while doing it. Many immediately relate that to gaming! So, let’s look at gaming. There is a pursuit (winning or leveling up), there is a challenge in doing so, and there are rewards that cause joy (bragging rights, points or awarded abilities, lots of pleasing sounds and visuals). How can any other pursuit compete with that kind of directed marketing?

       I have a passion for teaching, but the rewards sometimes come months or years after the initial lessons. The journey is not “fun.” It’s not fun staying up late to grade papers or getting up early to prepare for classes. There are very few “bragging rights”  opportunities and many opportunities to prove to administrators and parents that I am actually doing a good job at teaching. This pattern of hard work, answering to evaluators, and waiting long periods for rewards is not unique to teaching. Is it any wonder the number of males going to college is dwindling at a rate that is staggering. Parents, please show your boys and girls the rewards you receive that are not instant gratification.

        Probably at the root of passion is need. Those of us who are passionate about our jobs have a need to give in that way, and we do it because we see great need  in that area. Talk about words that no longer mean much from overuse! Do our kids really understand true need anymore? With all of this watering down of concepts that grew our country, one can see why apathy threatens our future.

       I beseech you, Parents, to share your passion projects and the passion you find in your job (if you do, in fact, feel passion for your work) with your kids. Show them how waiting for a reward can be as satisfying if not more as instant gratification. Encourage them to develop some passion projects, like gardening or even pretend investing in the market (or real, if they have funds). Show them how waiting can bring satisfaction. Also talk with them about the things they love, and show them the occupations that can utilize that passion. Start early guiding them, and they will benefit tremendously. Don’t let the great pacifier (gaming) kill their passions.

-        Michelle

    As I write, my husband is laying on the floor, rough-housing with our two-year-old dog.  I keep hearing “Ow!” from my husband, as the dog snaps for the ball or tramples all over him to get the desired toy.  Every once-in-awhile, my husband gives the dog a stiff warning that the action “really hurts.”  I find myself wondering if the dog understands anything much more than the fact that the game is delayed a bit.  Then I find myself wondering if my husband understands that the dog does not think about his actions.  He simply acts.  If he wants to roughhouse, the dog will comply!  Sometimes the choice is a simple “do or don’t do.”

   Every choice counts.  Every choice?  My sock choice?  Whether I brush my teeth first of floss first?  What news channel I watch as I get ready.  Yep.  Every choice counts.  They each have a consequence – good or bad.  My socks will either bring comfort or cause discomfort.  They might look great, or they might draw unwanted attention.  Dentists definitely have an opinion on the order of flossing and brushing.  And the news channel I watch can affect my political views, my knowledge or lack of knowledge of stories covered on other channels but not mine, and how I perceive a certain story.  Every choice counts.

   That’s huge!  What a burden we bear?!  Add to that the fact that the consequences of our choices can affect others around us, and we might have reason to fret. 

   But fretting does no good.  We will inevitably make choices.  Even the decision to sit and make no choices is a choice, and it will have consequences.  How do we help our gifted kids navigate the waters of choice once they realize that all their choices count?  The best way is to help them know that they will make some bad choices, but not all of those bad choices will carry a significant consequence.  For example, if I always end my phone conversations with family with the words “I love you,” and one day I accidentally end my pizza order with the same, the consequence is not that big.  A little confusion on the other end of the line, embarrassment and a quick hang-up on my end.  And a convincing of someone else to go pick up my order!  No big deal. 

   With society holding us so very responsible for every mistake we make with our choices, it can be difficult to show our kids that making wrong choices and learning through the consequences actually makes us better at making choices.  I encourage you, parents, to not wait till your gifted kids are older to explain the consequences of their choices.  They are smart kids.  They can pick up the conversation.  “You just hit the dog, and the dog bit you.  What have you learned?”  “Don’t hit the dog or he’ll hurt me.” 

   As your child matures, use fictional choices in a family conversation to let your kids test choices.  A great vehicle is the “Would You Rather” game that is so popular.  Would you rather accidentally eat a hair in your sandwich or have the wind blow someone’s spit onto your arm?  Gross… to both of these.  Encourage your child to think through which would actually be worse.  If you can stomach it, your pre-teen will like that the subject is gross, but you two are actually rendering a judgement of which is worse based upon the evidence you each produce.  Through this silliness, your child is learning to make better choices.

   Besides explaining the consequences of choices, we as parents and authority figures for teens need to make sure kids experience consequences.  I am appalled at the fact that there are groups of people out there who ascend upon a store and steal as much as they can carry, and no one does a thing.  Kids run into our local convenience store all the time and steal items.  No clerk follows them out.  They’ve been told they’ll be fired if they try to be a hero.  The kids are on tape; they’ll turn these over to the police.  They don’t.  Heck, when Wal-Mart first put in self-checkout lines, they lost millions of dollars due to stolen items.  People forgot to scan items, some figured out how easy it was to hide items, and the company took a massive loss thanks to not holding customers accountable for their choices. 

    With such public displays of not holding people to the consequences of their actions, is it any wonder we have groups of people robbing a store with little or no repercussions?

    If you don’t allow your child/teen to suffer the consequences of his/her choices, you are leading him to believe that there are none.  That bubble will only last so long.  There will come a day of reckoning.  A potential prom date saying “no,” a law official arresting the child, a hospitalization… some kind of consequence that you the parent cannot fix.  That’s a terrible time to learn that bad choices have bad consequences. 

-        Michelle

Excellence Counts! Part II

     I found it very necessary to help my students see the difference between excellence and perfection.  Seeking perfection is a fool’s errand.  Excellence, however, comes with attention to detail and practice.  Our school is currently tied with another school for the title of best private or public K-12 school in our county.  The other school is the school my mother spent 30 years at as a teaching, principaling, superintendent.  I think there’s a common thread here!  Kay knows and practices excellence, and she requires it of her staff. 

     Each owner of Lawton Academy, all members of our family, practice excellence daily.  Oh, sure, we still make plenty of mistakes, but we’ve made it clear that mistakes are inevitable and not the end of the world, as long as the mistake-maker is willing to admit the mistake and learn from it.  That is the kind of action that leads to excellence.

     Your gifted child is highly competitive.  He/She wants to win everything, to be best at everything.  Ironically, though, gifted children rarely want to put in the time it requires to be the best at those events they choose.  They sit at the awards assembly and listen as the winners are read, anticipating their names to be read at any moment.  When they are not, many times tears come.  I don’t know how many times I’ve had to take gifted students on a “reality walk” through what others have done to prepare.  For instance, speech students in public schools have speech classes every day of the week, and they practice in front of their peers repeatedly.  My kids want to memorize the piece a week or two before (if that far out), block it a little bit, and win.  There are times they can, but not at regional or state level.

    So, the question for parents is where the line is between demanding excellence from our kids and making them obsessive-compulsive.  Again, the key is to demand excellence, not perfection.  Okay, here’s an example:  You tell your child that you expect nothing lower than C’s from his/her on the semester transcript.  Bringing home D’s or F’s will have consequences, and you outline those consequences.  The first time your child makes an F on an assignment, you discuss the failure.  You point out that the consequences are only for the semester grades, and sometimes we have bad days within the semester.  You look at what was done wrong and make a plan to not let it happen again.  You also take them through an averaging of pretend grades, showing them how hard it is to recover from low F’s. 

     What ends up happening is that your child joins you on the quest for good grades.  Our kids do actually want to meet our expectations.  It’s only when meeting those has gone repeatedly unrecognized or when severe punishments have been given for mistakes along the way that a kid stops trying to please the parent.  Good students all over the world have a clear picture of what their parents expect and often have the same expectations of themselves even without a talk.  I guarantee the groundwork was laid before the child knew what was happening!  It’s never too late to start, though. 

     I would warn you, though:  you cannot demand excellence of your gifted teen if you do not demand excellence of yourself.  Your gifted teen is too smart to fall for that.  I sought out my mother’s knowledge of teaching to teach my students.  I saw her standards of excellence, and many times I bucked what my degree professors were saying in lieu of her methods.  I have never regretted that!  My commitment to excellence means that I pretty much work every day of the year, but the return on my investment is tremendous.  Yours will be, too!                                          - Michelle

     Excellence is not a foreign concept to gifted children.  They love to excel.  They love to be seen as excellent.  The desire is so strong in most gifted that sometimes they will almost kill themselves trying to be the most excellent.  That is, of course, if they haven’t already decided someone else is the most excellent, at which point, they often won’t even try.  What a tiring way to live!

     As the parent of a gifted child, it is extremely important that you teach your child the “achievement” is the goal, not “overachievement.”  This is an even more important lesson for your teen.  You will save your teen many hours of overdoing projects, overplanning events, and overstressing about homework. 

     In my beginning years of teaching, I was such an overachiever.  I organized district-wide bike rides, wrote and produced dinner theaters with my sixth graders, and made almost all of my lessons from scratch.  It wasn’t until I had an at-risk pregnancy with my daughter that I backed off a bit.  To my surprise, I received just as much praise as I had when I was working full-tilt.  I learned then and there that it takes very little to be impressive nowadays!  I’m desperately trying to teach my kids this lesson.

    I remember assigning my eighth graders one year to make some models of items from Shakespeare’s time.  Three of my boys chose to build a model of the Globe, the theater at which Shakespeare’s plays were performed.  Two of the boys built the round theater with Legos.  You can guess the obvious issues with that!  The third boy went to Hobby Lobby and bought a wooden drum.  He used popsicle sticks and balsam wood to build an extremely accurate model of the Globe.  It was so good, I asked if I could keep it to teach kids with, and he agreed.  All received A’s.  The difference was that the Lego model was what I expected of kids that age.  The fact that his mother had bought items closer to what it actually looked like was not part of the grading rubric.  She spent all of that money, and he earned only nine more points than the other boys.

   It is important that you, as parents, teach your child to only do what is expected.  Think about how it works in adult life.  When the IRS requires you to file tax returns in April, do they give extra points for neatness or embellishments?  No, they want it just as they asked for it.  Nothing extra.  When you take your car in for an oil change, do you appreciate the full inspection and subsequent list of items that could use replacement?  This could be seen as excellent service or an attempt to make more money while you are there.

   We have got to teach our kids that achievement = excellence.  His/Her employer wants achievement.  Achievement at a sales job means excellent sales.  Achievement in an advertising agency means acquired clients.  Over achievement in the first scenario would be calling wealthy people personally to try to sell your product, and in the second, throwing giant personal parties for potential clients.  Neither of these are required to attain or keep clients.  Excellent products and excellent advertisements are what are required.  In other words, excellence is doing the actual job and doing it well.  So, today, begin encouraging your child to be an achiever.  Excellence will come with the achievement.

-        Michelle

Common Sense Counts!

Common sense is defined as “good sense and sound judgement in practical matters.”  Yes, please.  I’m in.  I believe it was Forrest Gump who famously said, “Mama always said, ‘Stupid is as stupid does.’”  My definition for “stupid” has always been “one who repeats the same mistakes.”  Common sense is what we’re supposed to gain when we go through an experience.  We are supposed to decide afterwards whether we will do it that way again or alter our approach a bit.  To have an experience go badly and not alter our methods is, by Gump’s definition, stupid.  Yet, I see people make the same mistakes over and over and over.  Heck, I make some of the same mistakes over and over and over.  How do we correct this human foible so that we may gain common sense?

The first step, I think, is to truly desire a better outcome.  If we want to pass a test, and we know that we must study to pass it, we have to actually study.  We cannot fail to study and still expect the to pass the test.  I contend that people who know they should study, don’t study, and then profess that they do not know why they cannot pass the test, don’t actually want to pass the test.  It is unimportant in the grand scheme of things, or they do not find value in the subject, or maybe they just don’t care.  But passing is not really the goal.  The goal is finding the excuse Mom buys.

My own example:  if I really wanted to lose weight, I’d stop eating when I’m full, I’d quit buying things that are bad for me, and I’d exercise regularly.  The fact that I don’t do any of those things shows that I am not really serious about losing weight yet. 

Okay, so how does this apply to my gifted child?  Your gifted child is a natural debater.  He can make you believe that he really wants to accomplish whatever it is you find important without ever making the effort to actually do so.  I see this repeatedly.  If I had a dime for every parent who thinks that his child just “doesn’t test well,” when in actuality, his child has never taken a note TO study, I’d have ten or eleven bucks by now!

So, we have to address the common sense your child seeks.  You and I would think a failing grade would be impetus to study more.  Au contraire.  Your child’s goal is for you not to punish him for doing poorly on the test.  The common sense he learns is from the excuses he tries.  Mom bought my story about feeling ill and not doing well on the test because of it last time.  But, that won’t work again.  I have to make a new reason.

And in this manner, your child learns what excuses succeed and what excuses fail.  He does not, however, learn that he doesn’t need an excuse if he’ll just study and pass the test!  Why doesn’t he learn this simple piece of common sense?!  We can see it so clearly.  Why can’t he?  Because we can see the need for the information, and he cannot.  He sees a series of simple choices:  study or continue my video game?  Study or chat online with  friends?  Study or slee…zzzzzz.  You get my drift. 

The next morning he awakes, woefully unprepared.  Time that could be spent reasoning out answers is instead spent working out what will be the best way to play this off as not his fault. 

Now, I will tell you that this is the story of your very gifted child.  If your child is like me – on the lower end of giftedness – the drive to pass the test will come from within.  We on the lower end usually have a sibling who just knows everything, and we are on a quest to prove that we, too, are intelligent.  When we do fail, we analyze the fire out of what went wrong, and we vow never to let it happen again.  We don’t, however, let up on ourselves, and thereby show a lack of common sense, as well. 

It is your job, Parents, and my job as a teacher to help gifted kids recognize their own misinterpretations about achievement.  For the highly gifted, we need to call them on their excuses.  There should be a required grade and an automatic loss when that grade is not achieved.  I wouldn’t make it an A.  I would say that C’s and below are not acceptable.  The child doesn’t have to worry about making an excuse because no excuse will keep the punishment from happening (within reason, of course).  For the overachiever, it is our job to help them learn that perfection is not required or even desired.  We have to show them that achievement doesn’t have to come at the cost of personal health and well-being.   Once we have fixed the focus of their efforts, we should see common sense grow as the child learns how to navigate tests well. 

There’s one last area I would like to address regarding common sense.  The only way to gain it is through experiences.  I see way too many parents not allowing their children to have enough experiences.  Those whose parents tell them they cannot date, sneak it at school.  Those whose parents don’t let them hang out with friends end up not knowing how to balance friend time and study time once they get to college.  It is so very important that you allow your child to have a wide range of experiences.  Be a part of those experiences while you can still be the voice of advice.  Once they get to college, yours will not be the advice they seek.  Give your child enough experiences, and I guarantee he will gain common sense!

-       Michelle

     The idea that rewards and recognition count is such a no-brainer.  We all love rewards and recognition!  What makes the reminder necessary is that we all love to GET rewards and recognition.  We’re a little slow on the uptake at GIVING rewards and recognition.  Maybe we need to broaden our definition of “reward,” and it won’t slip our mind so often.  A simple “thank you” note, a coupon for a free ice cream cone, or a heartfelt hug can all be enough reward or recognition to make someone’s day.  There are so many people involved in making your day run smoothly.  The pandemic and the way it removed the services of some of those people has taught us that!  

     Gifted kids are hyper-focused on themselves.  It comes from wanting to be the best at everything, to solve every one of the world’s problems, and to be the first at everything.  Those gifted who aren’t like that have received so little reward and recognition for being that way that they have become the cynical versions of themselves.  It is important that we highly reward our gifted kids for their efforts because cynicism is just a slight move over for gifted, and very few recover from it.

     My students make fun of me because I have only two games on my phone:  the mom-game “Candy Crush” and “Yahtzee.”  I like that they take about three minutes to play a game.  When I actually decide to play, my break doesn’t last too long.  “Yahtzee” doesn’t use advertising, but “Candy Crush” offers rewards for watching commercials. The ads for these games have usually been aimed toward tech adults.  Increasingly, though, they are targeting a different audience - the gaming community who wins money for playing the games.  The ads are similar to games one would see in a casino at Las Vegas.  I can certainly see how a person would feel rewarded playing them.  

    It makes me wonder if people have not replaced human interaction with these games.  After all, there is a much higher chance of being rewarded and getting that great feeling of satisfaction.  Interactions with people bring unsolicited criticism, taskings, and negative discussions.  Games bring flashy graphics, sounds that indicate “winning,” and payouts.  They may be small, but they deliver… consistently.  Is it any wonder so many have chosen to lose themselves in these games?

    We know being a constant source of small rewards is an attractive trait.  Think back to someone in your life who always had something nice or encouraging to say to you.  Maybe it was a grandparent; maybe a coach or teacher.  This person understood the power of compliments.  The only place I believe I accomplish this is when I am walking through the youngest elementary halls at our school in “teacher” mode, not “principal” mode.  The kids flock to hug me, and I love giving them hugs.  All we say is “hi!” but it’s a “glad-to-see-you hi,” and the kids and I both leave feeling so much better about ourselves.  Why can’t I be like that all day?  The obvious answer is because I am also a principal, and principals have to discipline.  No one wants his principal to say, “Hi!,” give him a huge hug, and say, “You’re suspended for cheating!

    I am aware, though, that I need to be out and visible to my students more - at all grade levels - so that I can have more of the happy “hi!” moments.  Even a high schooler feels a small reward when an administrator addresses him without a tasking or a reprimand.  Imagine how kind greetings could spread if they were practiced by all, right from the top!

    We are entering the season of giving.  People are more friendly and generous this month than any month of the year.  As you go about your jolly way, I encourage you to take note of your feelings as you face each fellow-shopper and partier.  When you get rewarded with compliments and recognized for hard work this year, note how it was given and give some to someone else.  And in this moment of recognition, I would like to thank you, the reader, for joining us weekly to learn how to better help our gifted teens.  If you are one of the parents of our students, you are helping to make your child’s life better, and that makes my job more teacher than principal.  I thank you so much for that!

                                       Michelle

Innovation Counts!

    Goals get us where we want to go, but innovation keeps us there and advancing.  Our students had a hard time understanding what innovation is. Unfortunately, so do a lot of adults! Innovation requires always looking to do things better. Many people don’t want to fix what isn’t broken, but often that’s not the smart plan for most businesses. Of course, there are always the times it’s not.  I’m thinking specifically of the first time Coke tried to change its taste.  Businesses needing innovation provide technology or services.  Those will always have a need for “doing it better.”

   So, how does one innovate? That is the million-dollar question, isn’t it? Being an innovator takes practice. It takes not giving up when failure comes… because it will often. A true innovator never stops looking for the next best way to do or make something.

    My advice to the kids is to start now. If they can think of ways to get the teacher to want to grade their projects first, they are becoming innovative. Entering competitions for engineering or robotics or the such is also a way to cultivate innovation. 

    Gifted children are already natural innovators. Many learn young that innovation is not welcome, though. Whether it’s a parent worn out from listening to thousands of ideas or a teacher who dismisses innovative ideas and requires all students to complete projects the same way, many adults don’t have enough patience to raise an innovator. Besides that, innovators tend to take things apart. You can’t innovate until you understand how the original works!

   I would challenge you to take a look at what you don’t allow your kid to do. Is any part of this collection of activities actually a place where your child is innovating? Parents must be careful not to unintentionally squish innovation in our kids. You don’t have to treat every single project or action like it’s the cat’s meow, but you should be verbally rewarding your innovative child.

   Encouraging innovation is not enough, though.  You yourself need to model innovation, and you can easily involve the family.  We have one family that I have mentioned before. The parents give the kids a budget and a time frame.  All members of the family then research a destination to which they’d like the family to go.  Itineraries and costs are presented, and the family chooses.  What a great idea! Involving kids in some of the family procedures - say laundry decisions - is an excellent way to teach them that there is always a better way.  That’s innovation!

                                               -Michelle

  Does anyone really need to be reminded that goals count? I doubt it. So, I’m going to speak specifically to gifted kids and goal setting. Gifted people like to stand out. We like to be praised for the “above-and-beyond” nature of our work. The problem is that we genuinely think we can accomplish at that level in all of our endeavors. You see the problem, right? I work a thousand hours a week, but I actually used to be worse! When I first started teaching, I wanted to show that I was the best teacher anyone anywhere had ever seen. I organized district-wide bike races, wrote and produced dinner theaters, at which my kids also cooked and served dinners, and made sure I was the most requested teacher at my school. It wasn’t till my pregnancy with Bria, when I had to back off for her and my health, that I realized that it takes very little to stand out as impressive! 

   The key is to know how much is enough. You as the parent need to be the voice of experience for your child. You need to remind him/her to “live.” They have all their lives to be busy all the time. They should enjoy the freedom of being young and not responsible for so much.

   If your child believes that he/she must be the most impressive student any college has ever seen, please correct him/her now. It doesn’t work that way. It is smarter to concentrate on what your child already does that is impressive, as opposed to trying to be impressive in every single area of life. 

   By definition, your gifted child is impressive. Polish his/her speaking, writing, leadership, and community service areas, and colleges will notice.

                         -Michelle

     Ethics are the body of principles or standards of  human conduct for an individual or a group. If something is ethical, it is seen by the majority of people as correct behavior. 

     There was a time when those standards were similar across the United States. That time is disappearing. Whether it’s due to the Internet or the teaching of tolerance, increasingly the body of what is seen as ethical is growing in size. Those who believe that all included is ethical, though, is not. As a society, we are becoming polarized regarding what is ethical.

     If teaching was tough before, this has made it nearly impossible! We teachers feel like we’re tiptoeing through a mine field each day, never knowing when the next angry parent will go off. And each angry parent thinks what he finds ethical should be the standard for all. No wonder so many public schools have stopped disciplining! 

     We have not, and it has cost us some business. We try not to mislead people; it’s part of our tour. We’re going to call out bad behavior. When a parent says our discipline caused embarrassment, we point out that the child was not embarrassed to misbehave. 

     When I taught our kids this leadership lesson this past Friday, I taught them a literature term: code hero. The code hero will not allow himself to do certain things or drop below certain standards. It’s his own code. We need more kids who say “no” to every whim that comes along. The most recent one I can think of was the Tik Tok challenge Deviouslicks, in which students record themselves stealing classroom and school bathroom items. One local school here lost a urinal, a mirror, a soap dispenser, and even a stall door. I remember another challenge that involved going into Wal-Mart and throwing a gallon milk against the egg display. These are mot just harmless pranks. This is morals severely messed up.

   I feel for parents nowadays. My students act very adversely to my disagreement with some of their morals. Parents have much more to worry about than I as far as maintaining the relationship with their children. Some hills you have to not die on.

   The good news is that “kindness” seems to be an ethical decision that perseveres. I see the acceptance of all beliefs as kindness. The kids still appreciate and understand kindness. Even when our politicians resort to name-calling and back-stabbing, our kids call it out and denounce it. I have seen more “choose kindness” shirts on my teens than ever in my teaching career. This gives me hope that the poem that says “Everything I Need to Know, I Learned in Kindergarten” is true: what ethics we’re taught a young age persevere!

-        Michelle

Teamwork Counts!

     When I first started attending college as an education major, the buzzword of the time was “cooperative learning.”  I embraced it and have never stopped using it.  It is my conviction that no one needs to be forced to work in teams more than gifted and talented kids.  Gifted people prefer to work alone.  This is not some grand sacrifice.  Rather, it is typically because many gifted feel that no one can do “the job” as well as they can.  To accept “sub-standard” help is not an option, so gifted often do it all alone.  This is not an admirable trait.  Cooperative learning in my room involves lots of scored discussions, the ability to disagree, and rewards for working together. 

     The idea of teamwork as a necessity is no new concept.  Getting the team to work together can feel like reinventing the wheel every time, though.  There are so many dynamics in any given group.  The key to good teamwork is leadership that places value on that teamwork. 

     At the time of writing this, I have just finished watching the Oklahoma University vs. Texas Christian University football game (2021).  The star quarter back, Spencer Rattler, having not discharged his duties effectively, has been replaced with true freshman Caleb Williams.  Caleb through passes that were caught and led the team to a great victory.  That wasn’t the only thing that changed, though.  The OU team its fans were used to was back, united under the leadership of this young quarterback.  I don’t know what that unity didn’t occur under Rattler’s leadership, but it didn’t.  While it was great to see a quarterback who could complete passes, it was greater yet to see the teamwork he inspired. 

    There is no doubt that good teamwork is the requirement for success.  How do we get our gifted teens to see the value of teamwork?  By making them work in teams, of course!  Can the family be a team?  You bet!  The family “team” gets to treat themselves to one extravagant purchase on our trip if we can find 35 of the 50 United States license tags.  Or, if we’ll all keep the house clean during the week, we will use Friday night for movie night since we won’t have as much to clean up.   The goal is to show that together we can accomplish much.  But, it’s also to show that other people have good ideas, too, and we should embrace all input.

                                                                                             Michelle

   Parents research our school. Parents enroll their kids in our school. Parents pay the tuition.  But parents don’t get a good return on those efforts until students gain “vision.” 

   The failing student at LAAS gets a vision supplied for him by our staff. At first, it is a vision of his life without the fun parts of our school. This usually motivates a lazy kid to pull his grades up just enough to stay off restriction. This type of vision does not make the staff or the parents’ job easier. In fact, we have to spend more time figuring GPA’s, counseling, and having conferences. 

   When a student gains a vision of what he wants in life, though, then we become the vehicle by which to get it. That’s when our job becomes more rewarding. We get to run alongside that student, opening doors of opportunity and helping the student navigate how best to reach the vision.

   So, how do you help your teen gain a vision? It takes work. We at the school try to show them universities and cities that excite their imaginations about what could be. We discuss careers… and not just the usuals. We introduce them to jobs of which they’ve never heard.  

  As a parent, I would suggest making sure that driving through the university of the city you’re visiting on your vacation is included. Going to a sporting event or concert on the campus can spark a vision as well.  Making discussions of colleges a routine topic is also helpful. There are so many virtual tours of campuses now due to the pandemic. This could be something your family does before the family movie: watch one campus tour of a university in which there is interest.

   Of course, there are dangers with gaining a wrong vision. Do not allow your child to set a vision that is unattainable. Your child will NOT be a walk-on quarterback for his favorite college. If your child has a low ACT score or is not in top shape, he/she is not going to one of the military academies. Do what you can to let them know what it will take, and help them to reduce whether the goal is feasible or not. Jet fighter pilots have to be of a certain height and not colorblind. If you have a six-foot three daughter who’s colorblind, it’s okay to let her know this job is out. You are not discouraging your child’s dreams. You are helping her mold them.

   I guarantee you, parents, if you can help your child get a vision of his/her future, your days of arguing over whether or not homework is done are over. Your child will see the need and meet the standards to reach his/her goal. I’ve seen it time and again. Other parents say, “You’re lucky. You have an easy child.” No, this is s parent who helped the child establish a vision, and now that child is soaring toward it!

       Michelle