Okay… if you are a mom or teacher of young kids, you know you’re totally singing “Let it Go” from Frozen right now, aren’t you?!  I love listening to my students wail on that song.  But have you ever really listened to the lyrics?  She’s basically saying, I’m not going to worry about whether I’m hurting anyone anymore.  It doesn’t help to worry.  I’m going to use my skills, whether they hurt someone or not.  Not exactly the message we usually send to our little ones.

    I, however, say, “You go, Girl!”  Maybe not in the destructive sense of things, but with the idea that her particular gift could be used for good… if she’d just use it.  She had so much fear that she would use it for bad that it crippled her for the first two-thirds of the musical.  She actually did more damage by trying to contain it (i.e., ignoring her little sister after the loss of their parents). 

    Our school is primarily made of kids who push limits.  They have big ideas and a love of knowledge and a great sense of humor and justice.  When we try to control them too much, they “buck.”  For instance, we usually lose about seven minutes of school time lining up after recess.  First there’s a couple of minutes of getting the little ones to the right lines.  Then there’s the silence that must occur before all may go in.  Inevitably, someone says something, usually with the intent to buck authority, and the process of getting to silence starts all over. 

    This year, we’ve decided to “let go” of our usual routine.  When we ring the bell for recess to be over, students will begin entering the school right then… as they come.  They will get a drink and/or go to the bathroom and then head to the next class.

    If you are the relative of a teacher, you know that very little trash is actually trash.  We can repurpose just about anything!  Then we guard it for dear life until just that right moment when someone utters the phrase, “Does anyone have the lid from a Cystal Lite container?”  We ride in and save the day!  So… my room is full of just such items.  I’ve been buying and collecting for twenty-five years, and I have to tell you, the cries for supplies are few and far between.

    This year, I decided to “let go” of my stuff and place it out for student consumption.  It’s so very liberating.  I anticipate still needing to yell at a kid or two who is wasting my treasures, but, for the most part, I expect to see some really great creating going on.

    In such a possession-rich country, “letting go” is not that welcome a concept.  Know-it-alls and talking heads will tell us to save up and protect and prohibit, but I’m with Elsa. Let it go!  Let your kindergarten self lead a little.  Remember that poem:  “Everything I Need to Know, I Learned in Kindergarten”?  Share a little more, let go of the need to be in control, and enjoy the freedom found in not caring quite as much as you’re supposed to.

-          Michelle

Growth

Growth… one of the processes of life.  I am especially aware of this process as I get preparations done for the start of our new school year.  I remember each student as he or she was at the end of last school year; and I am always amazed at the changes I see in each child upon the first day of school.  Not only have the children grown in stature, but they seem much more mature than last year. 

            We’ve been especially aware of the growth process at the school since we’ve had summer rains which caused a very rapid growth of grass and weeds.  No sooner has the five acres been cut than it’s time to start mowing again!  My poor son-in-law has had to work late into the night on many occasions just to stay ahead on keeping the grounds neat and trim.

            I do subscribe to Epstein’s theory of growth spurts.  I’ve seen this over the years in my students.  Basically, the theory is that the brain grows in spurts rather than continual constant growth.  In recent years, these growth spurts have been linked with four stages for child development such as Piaget’s theory. These stages are: 1): sensorimotor stage: birth – 2 years (children learn by experience through their senses); 2) preoperational stage: 2 through 7 years (develop memory and imagination and understand things symbolically, as well as past and future); 3) concrete operational stage: 7 through 11 years ( more aware of external events, feelings of others, less egocentric, an idea that not everyone shares their thoughts, beliefs, or feelings); 4) formal operational stage: 11 years and older (able to use logic and solve problems, view the world around them and plan for the future).

            In practical terms, I’ve witnessed academic growth that is in a spurt at first grade level.  The sky seems to be the limit for vertical learning.  Then, a time of reflecting, processing, and practicing seems to be horizontal with not much vertical achievement.   But then again in fourth grade, much vertical growth begins again.  The ages are not set in stone, but the process seems to be pretty reliable.

            What that has meant to me as a teacher is I must take advantage of vertical academic achievement in a time of brain growth spurt.  I then expound and enrich those learned skills during the period before the next growth spurt.  When the next growth spurt occurs, I again take the child as far as he/she can achieve.  It should be apparent to people reading this that school systems rely upon the practice of one year’s growth per year of school. Of course, that premise makes teaching all students in a classroom the same skills at the same time acceptable.  It is far harder to individualize learning to match growth spurts, but it is far more rewarding, and one of the reasons I use this method in my teaching. 

-          Kay

As I write this, I am once again sitting at stroke camp- a rehabilitative camp for stroke survivors and their caregivers. Unlike last weekend, we have no water and limited power due to a bad storm on Friday night. We are packing up this morning, and once again I am struck by the positivity and resilience of these stroke survivors. Throughout the weekend I have had the opportunity to hear the stories of many survivors' stroke experiences. One common theme is the change in personality pre- and post- stroke. Many reference the amount of personal growth that has come with this traumatic experience. We were able to discuss how hard times bring about incredible amounts of personal growth.

Growth can come from much less drastic situations as well. Throughout childhood we celebrate physical growth and change. As we grow older, growth comes in a more emotional way. Any way that it comes, growth is important and influential in our lives.

By going to stroke camp and learning about challenges that affect others in different circumstances, I have experienced a lot of growth and widening of my own understanding. This has been very beneficial to me because it makes me aware of challenges and issues that I would not have ever thought about.

One valuable lesson that I hope to carry on from my experience is to take it one day at a time. These survivors are patient and they have learned that each day is a blessing, and worrying about the future isn't worth the stress. Internalizing this lesson would be a great opportunity for continued growth for myself. It is a lesson that many of us could learn from. Keep seeking growth and learning opportunities. None of us is perfect; there's always room for improvement.

-       Bria

This is my second attempt at this subject this week.  I sat down and wrote last night, but I just couldn’t get anything substantial.  So, while in the shower this morning, I opened my mind to run loose on the topic of growth.  The first thought that came to mind was the concept of a “growth chart.”  You know, the one young mothers quote after visiting the pediatrician. 

    “My child is in the 90th percentile for height.”

     What if, similar to how I do a marketability report card in the secondary, I did a growth chart in the elementary?  Intellectually, gifted and talented perform way beyond their years, but emotionally?  Okay… not so much.  Gifted don’t lose well, they don’t win well, and they often won’t even try if they think they might fail.  It is precisely because of these tendencies that we have three recesses.  In the classroom, there is very little cause for emotional outbursts.  But on the foursquare court… oh, the fights!  Claims of cheating and instances of unwillingness to be out are many.  My bright students who are not technically “gifted” just shake their heads and leave the court in disgust.  Does the gifted child “get” what’s going on?  Nope.  He thinks he’s won the argument.

    A growth chart would give me some way to document what is occurring.  I could show where children typically are emotionally and behaviorally at certain ages as compared to the student being evaluated.  If I have a chart showing areas of deficit, I can then discuss how to help gain a target behavior.  Areas in which the student is performing in a manner consistent with or exceeding their peers would be cause for praise.

    The fact that I even research issues now shows “growth” on my part.  I used to know it all!  (Or so I often thought!)  When I first took on the duties of a principal, I felt threatened at any question of my decisions or policies.  Now, I re-read emails with the idea that the parent is just seeking information.  It’s amazing how well things go when you don’t read something in to everything!  The fact that I am soon to be 51, and I am still learning what seem to be simple concepts tells me that I have to be flexible with the “growth chart.”  Not everyone learns at the same rate, just as not everyone grows at the same rate.

    I have the start of a good idea here.  I will let it incubate for a couple of days and see if I can’t get a great idea going!

                                                                                    Michelle

Labels

People react very differently to the idea of “labeling.”  The middle schooler self-labels, but the high schooler rejects any labeling.  Then in college, he embraces them again, identifying himself with fraternal labels and career-intent labels and such. The college graduates’ degree, her passed qualifying exam, and a subsequent job entitle her to a hard-earned label, which she wears like a badge.

  Why is it, then, that so many parents do not want their kids labeled?  I know when I used to teach on military posts, parents would prohibit labels that might get their struggling child the help he needed because it might cause a “compassionate reassignment,” something they saw as the kiss of death to their careers.  (Educators and military leaders have worked together to make sure this is not the case anymore.)

   I think some people confuse “stereotyping” with “labeling.”  I am a Christian, but I wince when I see what some people who also label themselves Christians do in the same of Jesus Christ.  Their actions may be stereotypical, but those actions in no way lessen my Christianity.

   I have been quandarying over how to get a group of kids I’m working with to quit acting upon every impulse.  I have jokingly called them “Touch the but” kids – a reference to the dare Little Nemo takes that ultimately causes him to be swept out to sea.  When I say, “Don’t touch that,” they look straight at me while touching the very thing I just said not to touch! Their impulse-driven behavior extends to every facet of the day, making the teaching of four or five of them feel like I’ve been herding cats.  

    But they’re not bad kids; in fact, they are some of my most unique students… highly intelligent and creative.  I use the “label” not to brand them, but rather to search the Internet to find strategies that will allow me to get them to obey without breaking their “spirit.”  They cannot be the only ones like them in the world.  Good grief, Mark Twain wrote about these kids when he wrote The Adventures of Tom Sawyer!

I’m a woman, a daughter, a sister, a mother, a wife, a teacher, a principal, a coach, a mentor, a Christian, a singer, and a registered voter (although, for the life of me, I don’t identify with either major party right now!), but none of these labels defines me.  They just give you a better picture of who I am.  Labels aren’t about you; they’re intended to make you less of a mystery to everyone else!  If I refuse to label myself a “mom,” does that make me any less a mom to my children?  If educators incorrectly label your child, go for it.  Rage against the machine.  But if the label fits, do some research of your own on the Internet, the goal being to give your child every opportunity to succeed.  Then you will earn one more label:  your child’s champion!

-          Michelle

As an individual with a background in marketing and advertising, I am very aware of labels. Labels are your one communication touch point you have with the consumer of your product. The way in which a product is labeled says a lot about a product and often tells a consumer whether or not he would like to buy the product.

As people, we also carry labels. Hipster, Goth, Christian, feminist, gay, straight, Democrat, Republican. We are constantly asked to take on labels that describe a certain trait about our personality or how we live our life. While this is a normal tendency, it also can be harmful because labels often come with stereotypes. Labels allow other people to have preconceived notions of what we are like as human beings.

As I'm writing this, I am volunteering at a rehabilitative summer camp for stroke survivors. For many of these campers, they have been labeled as broken or hopeless. Many have lost control of limbs or can no longer form a complete sentence. However, these campers are some of the most hopeful, motivated and inspirational people I have ever met. It's so easy to look at a person and decide that there is something wrong with him, or something that makes him “not normal.” Looking past labels and preconceived notions of what these labels mean can open us up to an amazing world of people that we might normally write off. A lot of people think of stroke survivors as brain dead, slow, or even sometimes scary. A simple conversation with a stroke survivor will tell you that this huge life experience has informed a wealth of knowledge and a depth of experiences that the rest of us simply do not have.

At the end of the day, we are all people. This year has done so much to divide us as a nation and as people groups. Labels encourage us to self-segment the population and only talk to like-minded individuals. It can be incredibly rewarding to talk to someone with the opposite opinion on any given topic and experience a different viewpoint every now and then. Getting outside of your label and experiencing people without biases can help to make you a more well-rounded individual.

-          Bria

                Labels… often a very sticky subject!  In fact, one of my pet peeves is the placing of price stickers on the front of teaching posters.  It takes a lot of time and effort to remove the adhesive without ruining the illustration on the poster!  What kind of clerk would intentionally place the sticker in such a position?  I guess someone with a grudge or a score to settle!

                Labels are also an intricate part of my classroom each year.  I use various ones to help organize the classroom materials for my young students.  Usually, color coding makes recovery even quicker.  The use of color coding is especially helpful for teaching students about steps in a process or making it easier to see patterns in math numeration, grammar, and sentence structure.

                For years, I have taught teachers not to label their reading groups with the idea of clustering students of equal abilities or needs.  My reason was that any child would see the labels such as, jets, rockets, and tanks as ability markers.  (We live in a military community.)  Once such labels are given to the class, students often allow their abilities to meet those expectations.  What a waste of mental powers!  Far better results occurred when we merely grouped students for a skill instruction, and then moved to different skills and different groupings as needed!

                One of the strangest sights I ever saw took place at our local Walmart as I was shopping for theschool’sgroceries.  A manager was literally showing a young worker how to correct the work he had just finished in the can goods aisle.  I looked at the rows of vegetables in front of us, and there it was: all the cans were neatly placed on each shelf…with labels all facing the rear!  Instead of finding the usual label identifying the contents, we were looking at rows of serving sizes and directions for use labels!

                And now, my number one pet peeve about labels… the undecipherable picture labels printed on all moving parts of my car’s dashboard!  No wonder it is harder to teach first graders how to read these days.  We use letters and words to give meaning to students.  Yet, our manufacturers have decided that the majority of the drivers are illiterates!   My question then is, “How do they pass a driver’s exam if they can’t read?”  Yes, I realize there are many languages spoken in the world.  If that is the underlying cause for the little nondescript pictures, then why can’t we order the language labels as easily as our young drivers order the precise wheels they desire?!          

                                                                                                       Kay 

Setting Parameters

Setting parameters…this is a skill that may range from a very easy task (boundaries in a playground game) to an almost impossible task (the amount of freedom given to rebellious children). I spent a great amount of time as a school administrator setting parameters, interpreting those parameters, and then enforcing those parameters with staff, students and parents.  This is not an easy task!

            Let me share two of my most effective object lessons for setting parameters in the classroom with children who were determined to try to undermine the lesson and for those who were totally self-centered and unaware of others’ needs. 

            I would bring in a large bag of mixed candies and dump it out in the middle of a table in the room.  All I said to the class was, “This candy is for you.”  Students would sit dumfounded and then one by one start asking, “What do we have to do?”  My reply was silence.  “How much can we have?”  Soon, someone would say, “I’m going to get…” or “I’m not going to be the first…” and then, “What the heck! I’m going!”  Immediately a mad rush started toward the candy…and in a matter of a minute or two, the entire bag disappeared!  Hushed sounds of exasperation were heard among the bragging of others with entire handfuls of candy.

            I then asked the class, “How do you feel?”  The replies ranged from “Man, look what I got!” to the “I didn’t like this!  It’s not fair!”  And then a few said, “I didn’t get anything!”  As students shared the feelings of success and failures, we discussed how life or games would be if there were NO RULES.   By the end of the object lesson, a few shared their candy with those who had none.  But often in the ensuing year, when questions arose over rules, someone would say, “Remember the candy game?”

            The second object lesson has been repeated only on three occasions in my fifty-year career.  It came out of desperation on my part.  I’m not saying it was good or bad…just that it served the purpose.  When I couldn’t get the cooperation of a student in the classroom, or when a student was the ring leader in disrupting the lesson, I appointed him or her to be the teacher for the rest of the day.  At first, the student was pretty proud and was going to show me just how capable he/she was. 

            It didn’t take long until the other students who were partners in the disruptions began to bother, interrupt, and taunt the student who was trying to teach.  “This is harder than I thought.”  But I did not give in…I made him or her continue to teach the lesson plan in spite of the whining and begging for permission to go sit down.  When I did agree to take back my position as the teacher, I asked the student how it felt to be in charge.  Each time I had to do this, the student teacher related how frustrating it was to teach rude students.  They also chided their “partners in crime” for being so rude.

            There is an old saying that we should not judge another person until we’ve walked a mile in their shoes.  I found it to be true that when we do let someone else walk in our shoes, he she usually has a new respect for us and what we are trying to accomplish.  Then it is easy to teach the Golden rule, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

            In both of these object lessons, some feelings had to be hurt;  however, no one suffered irreparable damages.  In fact, I have become a life-long friend to two of those students.  One of them has come to my classroom on several occasions to visit and to tell my students how I had a positive influence on his life.

            Parents and teachers have to set the parameters or guidelines so that all students may flourish in a safe environment.  Many families seek our school because it offers a safe environment for their children.  However, I must make them aware that the children are safe because we DO set parameters and we DO enforce them.  I feel so sad for many teachers who are suffering for the lack of discipline in many schools.  When these teachers tell me about the lack of control or the failure to act to defend the rights of the teachers against disruptive and violent students, I ache for them. 

            I keep the pictures of two of my former students on my classroom board.  They both died before they graduated from high school.  One was stabbed to death by a student athlete from a rival school, and the other was killed in a tragic truck accident.  Both serve as reminders to me and to my current students that none of us are promised tomorrow.  Today needs to be the best day of our lives.  One student died because he was always in the middle of disruptive students…and even though he was being good and protecting another student, being in the setting where rules were being broken (underage drinking party) allowed him to die in his senior year.  The other was a victim of a driver who chose to speed and caused his load to shift…killing both him and my former student at age 16.  Rules are there for keeping people safe.  The alternative to rules and parameters is chaos.  But keeping the parameters enforced and effective takes hard work!  

-          Kay

Setting parameters is something that everyone knows they should do, but few do successfully. As adults, we are told to set boundaries between work and personal life. If you are too invested in your job, there is an assumption that you are not spending enough time with your family, and vice versa. Work/life balance has always been an issue and it continues to affect us as technological advances make it easier and easier to take work home with us.

I have a complicated relationship with my work/life balance right now because I am doing a job that far surpasses the normal time commitment of the traditional 9:00-5:00. This job keeps me late into the evenings and often brings me in on the weekends as well. I can justify this because right now I do not have a family. Many of my co-workers have children and have to make difficult decisions about how to manage work/life balance in a demanding work environment.

I once heard someone describing work/life balance in three buckets. You have your work bucket, your family bucket, and your recreational bucket. You only have so much to give and you decide how much you put into each bucket. Working in a fulfilling job allows your work and recreation bucket to be one and the same. Eliminating the third bucket helps make sure that you are giving time to the most important bucket - your family.

In the startup world, there is the “work hard, play hard” office culture. The expectations are high, but when you finally make it to the break, it is that much more satisfying. Doing work that is able to fill both the work and recreation bucket for you is important because you are not dividing your time between three demands. Loving your job and loving what you are doing is truly a gift that few people achieve early on in their career. Making it to that point erases many of the needs to set parameters because you are willing to do so much more for a job that you love as opposed to a soul-crushing job that pays the bills.

My advice to young professionals entering the workforce would be to understand when you should set parameters, and when it is worth it to put in the extra time to do a job well. Don’t ever let yourself be taken advantage of, but realize that sometimes life demands a little extra to further your career.

-          Bria

I’m sure discipline is the first thing that pops into most people’s minds if we are discussing “setting parameters,” but I’d like to go in a different direction.  I’d like to explore the setting of parameters within relationships… specifically the ones your child forms during the teen years. 

   Some of the most dreaded words I hear from parents at the beginning of their child’s secondary years are “My child is not to ‘date’ anyone until after college.”  I’m fine with their desire for the child to concentrate on his studies; I am not fine with the fact that now I have to become a “sitter.”  With the exception of maybe two students who were so driven to make their dreams come true that they obeyed this parent-instructed rule, I have not met the child who can resist the lure of teenage love.  Oh sure, they can make it through middle school.  But in high school, when their feelings are magnified to one hundred times the actual size, crushes are inevitable.  The funny thing is that, once they’ve had one “dating” experience, many usually decide to “concentrate on their studies till after college”!

   Why do some parents insist on erecting a wall a teen feels he must conquer?  My guess is fear.  My best advice regarding romantic relationships during middle and high school is to expect them to happen, and before they do, set some parameters on the “dating.”  Those parameters could include group outings rather than two-person outings, the intended boyfriend or girlfriend joining in family outings to increase familiarity, and, of course, all the usual parameters for dating once they can be alone (appropriate age, curfew, places they may go, etc.). 

   When parents declare that no dating will occur, the teens just try to hide it.  I have a strict “no public display of affection” rule, but inevitably, the two will try to sneak-date here… prompting an outing to their parents and more babysitting opportunities for me.

    Believe me, I am very happy to be through the dating years of my kids.  I had many a dinner at Texas Roadhouse with a boy who had ordered half the menu and then wouldn’t quit talking long enough to eat it.  But because I made those opportunities for he and my daughter to be together, she was not distracted at school by the young man.  Work time was work time and together time was together time… with Mom along for the togetherness until they reached the age of sixteen (the parameter I set for the age of dating alone).

Setting parameters regarding friendships is similar. Don’t just say,  “You are not to hang out with him… or him… or her. Why don’t you be friends with that nice (fill in the blank)?”  Friendships form on the basis of shared interests, not Mom’s and Dad’s choices.  If you ban your child from a certain type of friend, you risk being labeled as a hater.  Instead of dictating with whom your child should hang out, why not set parameters for what will occur in spite of the friendship.  For instance, set a limit on how much grades can suffer due to hanging out.  If you expect A’s, then let them know that B’s will limit the opportunities to get together with that friend.  If the pair are causing issues due to the friendship while in school (i.e., talking too much together), then provide opportunities for them to get together in the evening or on weekends. 

    The key to healthy relationships during your child’s teen years is parental involvement.  If you actively seek to know the interests of your child, you will become their confidant when things go awry.  Because you are invested in many of their relationships, you won’t just encourage them to “get out of” the relationship.  You can teach your child early how to work through issues that are not really that big outside of the shadow of the relationship involved.

-          Michelle

Independence

Over the last decade women and girls have found empowerment through looking to other strong females who have resisted traditional gender roles and paths to success. For many, this has resulted in an increase in confidence and it has shattered misconceptions that there are things in life that cannot be achieved based on gender. While many women around our country enjoy the progressive environment in which they can achieve success and advancement in their careers without repression or harassment, many others do not live in that reality.

All over the world we see women’s independence being suppressed under the law of politics, religion or culture. This is obviously terrible, but in some parts of this country we have problems on the opposite end of the spectrum. Some of the more liberal parts of our country have leaned so whole heartedly into female independence that they have created unrealistic expectations that can be just as harmful to young girls.

I consider myself a feminist and I love female empowerment, but some parts of our country have created a “girl boss” culture that is unrealistic. There is an immense amount of pressure to be successful in your career while raising a family. This in and of itself is not that demanding. The problem is that social media has told us that we have to do all this while maintaining a perfect physique, flawless skin, a neat and organized home, a picture-ready family, and an active social life. This is asking too much of people. If you are someone who believes that she can do this, I support your dreams and goals, but I hate the idea of girls growing up under these expectations.

There is a way to be an independent woman without being a perfect woman. Girls, please understand that Gigi Hadid and the Jenner Sisters, and most girls that look perfect online, either aren’t showing you the bad parts of their lives, or they have a team that helps them look like they do. Dream big; don’t be bound by others’ limits for you, but also remember that you define your own success. The most important thing is that you are doing what makes you happy. Striving for personal growth and happiness is what makes a strong, independent woman. You don’t have to be a girl boss to be happy.

-          Bria

Obviously, our nation is celebrating its independence this weekend…thus, the title of our post.  Our nation’s struggle for independence is valuable as a metaphor for the struggle a child goes through for his/her independence.  Okay, there’s not a war – but sometimes we parents and teachers feel like we’ve been through one!

       Your child’s first struggles for freedom come with turning the head and turning over when you lay him down as an infant.  I want to look around!  By toddler, the struggle is one of pushing boundaries, and this continues until third grade, when, in a very Martin Lutheresque fashion, your child stands up to you regarding what she wears and how her hair is cut. This gentle rebellion against all you want to do regarding his personal life continues through 6th grade… and then the freedoms range beyond the shores of home.  Once your teen sees what’s out there, Mom, it will never be the same!  Middle school is full of comparison.  Your teen is looking for what others have and he has not, and she is beginning to think her life would be so much better if you would just (fill in the blank). 

      By high school, she is fully armed with her beliefs and ready to make a stand on her own.  He begins seeking schooling far from home, and your struggle of trying to be supportive but remembering that this is your baby heightens. 

      It is not until about his sophomore year, though, that he truly revolts and establishes his independence.  She realizes she doesn’t really have to inform you of any of her decisions… just keep her grades up so she doesn’t get kicked out of the school.  You call, and everything’s fine, but the only hint of the rebellion against all you’ve carefully poured into their little heads is the occasional un-huh on the other end of the line when your advice is offered. 

      Upon graduation, the relationship changes.  You are now The British, not really the enemy, but definitely not the monarch you once were!  Don’t despair, though.  You’ll hear and see your words of wisdom, literally, when they come out of your now grown child’s mouth with his/her offspring! 

     Happy Fourth, everyone!  A heartfelt thanks to all who have sacrificed to give us our freedom!

-          Michelle

Independence…something everyone wants for himself, but seldom is quick to grant to others!  It is our annual celebration of the 4th of July, which keeps this word active in our vocabularies.  The very thought of independence for our children or our spouse is usually not allowed among our active thinking patterns.  Oh yes, the time does come when we’ve changed over a thousand diapers that we start wishing for our child to have independence…at least in bathroom activities!

            Our school policy is that children must be potty-trained before they can enter our three-year-old preschool program.  I never dreamed that so many children today are not independent of diapers by that time.  I’ve listened to many reasons given for this fact: “the new absorbent consumable diapers are keeping children so dry, they are not uncomfortable wearing them,” being the most often reported.  Of course, being of the ripe old age of 73, I am just appalled at this!  

            I did have one mother tell me that her daycare worker told her that children “just all of a sudden become potty-trained around three-and-a half-years.  It just happens.”   I have a great deal of difficulty with this notion since I remember many times of scrambling to the bathroom with my children to catch the “right moment” for them to use the potty.  I also remember training our dogs to use the great outdoors for their personal needs rather than our house.  Both of these situations demanded time and effort on our parts.  I personally think today’s double vocation families are part of the problem.  Day care facilities have their work cut out for them attending to many children at one time.  I at least had a trusted child care provider who assisted me while I worked.

            But alas, this is just one small problem I’ve noticed.  I am amazed at the number of children who are still being breast-fed after they have cut teeth!  Ouch!  I have met one family whose child was still being breast-fed at three years of age.  I’m sorry, but that is more than I can handle in the realm of possibilities.  And, being as opinionated as I am, I certainly do not take well to the new idea of some that mothers should first chew the food themselves and then give it to their children to eat…like the birds do for their young!  Until God gives us wings and feathers, I think I will reserve that “natural way of doing things” for our feathered friends of the forest!

            Where I really am concerned with independence is in the area of helicopter-parenting.  I have addressed this issue before in one of our blogs.  Being too protective of children can stunt their growth as much as anything described above.  Children who are afraid of their own shadows on the playground are at a definite disadvantage.  Instead of exploring and asking that great question, “Why?” they are searching frantically to see if Mommy is still there watching over them carefully.  They miss out so much of discovering the amazing world around them…Yes, even the school playground has much to offer the inquiring mind of most three-year-olds. 

            An area for independence that often is ignored is the doing of homework and chores.  I have also addressed these areas in past blogs.  However, let it be noted here that these two areas must be battlegrounds where the child wins only when he/she can be fully independent!  This battle usually results with wounds to the mother…which occurs when she realizes she must finally cut the apron strings which hold her child tightly to her.  Only then will both parent and child find true independence.

            Kay

Age

I just left the hospital room of the newest member of our LAAS family.  Our kindergarten teacher gave birth three weeks early, and mom and baby are doing fine!  How appropriate it is that I came from someone in his first twenty-four hours of life straight to writing a blog on “age.”

    This August I pass the half-a-century mark.  That’s not even feasible to me!  I still feel like a young married, and JT and I will have been married thirty years this year!  They say you are only as old as you feel, so I guess I’m doing fine if I still feel young.

    Age is one of those terms that we consider “relative.”  Like, That’s old – for a dog. or Very few six-year-olds can do the math she can.  All over the nation, students of the same “age” attend the same class(es), whether they are mentally the same age or not.  One of our former students missed the cut-off date for kindergarten at his new school by 96 hours.  This kid is extremely bright, but an age limit is an age limit. This kid has been reading since three, is learning Russian, and can tell you every moon and satellite of every planet in our solar system.  But, by all means, keep him in the pre-school class; I’m sure there’s something in there he missed in all his studies!

   The truth of the matter is that age does not mandate behavior or cognitive ability.  If we get a student who is very sharp, we place him where he will be challenged.  Because of this policy, we have a sophomore who is only 12.  He’ll be 13 in November.  When he took the ACT at age 11, he scored a composite of 32 and a 35 (nearly perfect) on the math section.  This kid needs a challenge.  Before advancing him, though, I did make sure the mother understood the consequences of promoting him early (i.e., wouldn’t be able to drive when classmates do; might need a permission slip to go off campus in college, etc.).   

   Conversely, there are students out there who take longer to grasp ideas at first.  Since we teach all at Lawton Academy as if they are gifted, often these students catch up and sometimes surpass their classmates by late middle school. 

   Don’t get me wrong:  there are some things that seem to occur at the same time in each child.  For instance, eight-year-olds seem prone to promote their own independence more than second graders.  Sixth graders, maybe in flux from a rush of hormones, tend to be discombobulated for almost the entire year!  Kids cannot articulate the “th” sound till around seven.  Sixteen-year-olds have the ability to operate a car (according to the State), and eighteen-year-olds are ready to help pick our politicians.

   Or at least they should be.  That’s my point.  Some kids aren’t ready at these bench marks.  Others run ahead and are ready to move to greater marks.  As a parent of a gifted child, be impressed with the abilities of your child, but be careful not to associate actions completed early as signs that your child should automatically move to the next grade.  What’s the rush?  He has all of his life to be “grown.”  Let him spend as much time as possible in the present… enjoying what kids his age do with kids his age.

      There’s a movie with a really interesting concept at its core.  Every person stops aging at 25, and each has a clock on his/her wrist that tells how much time he/she has till death.  It’s set for one year, but time is currency.  The wearer can barter with the time left, sometimes gaining thousands of extra hours.  How very different we might live our lives if age was a countdown rather than counting up.

    So today, I encourage you not to act your “age;” instead, act your intelligence level… or act your physical ability.  Don’t let what is supposed to happen at your age be the guide for your life.  Do the same for your children.  Gifted kids tend to recognize their own mortality. If your child is deathly afraid of water, but you are just sure that he should be swimming like all the other pollywogs at the YMCA, step back.  Look at what’s really going on here.  There’s a reason your friend’s child is standing on tippy-toe to make the height requirement for the largest rollercoaster, and yours is begging to go to the restroom instead, and it has all to do with the fact that he understands he could die.  Don’t push him.  He’ll get there… at the right time… whether that be at age eight or age thirty-eight. 

-          Michelle

Age… now that’s a very broad subject to cover! Since I’m not at all sensitive about my advancing age, I will address a few situations that I have observed this past week or so which speak directly to this topic.

            We were fortunate to have the Army band brass group, Scrap Metal, play a concert at our school yesterday for our summer music camp students.  It was a most enjoyable concert which included music from many genre and various time periods.  How shocking it was to these young soldiers to find at the completion of one of the numbers they chose especially for our young audience that most all of the students hadn’t heard of Sesame Street!  Talk about aging a musician fast!

            As I’ve noted in previous blogs, I find more and more often that there is a great experience gap between my students and me.  I was especially aware of this during the week as I fumbled from one internet video inquiry to the next in my music presentations for class studies.  As I often mistook a video format for an application, I heard an exasperated eleven year old say, “For goodness sake, just stop trying to interact with a video format! It’s You Tube!”

            I have to be honest and admit that the remark set the hair on the back of my neck on edge, and I retaliated with, “I may not have the fast thumbs you have from playing on your cell phones all day long, every day, but I’ll bet I can outpace you in a dozen or so real physical sports, games, etc.”  So, I guess I may be sensitive about my age after all!

            Now, back to the subject of age observations I made this week.  The before mentioned concert brought out an older neighbor who lives on the border of our school campus.  He came over to the fence near our pavilion in which the concert was taking place and complained to my husband that it was too loud and it disturbed him.  Now in the past, we have performed five concerts a year, each lasting about an hour in length.  Each time he has called and threatened to have the police come and stop our programs.

            I have tried being nice, tried giving him notice of when a concert will take place so he can be gone if that will help…all to no avail.  All I have been able to think of is the fact that of the 365+ days of the year, only five days are what he considers too loud for him to endure.  Our whole purpose was to get students interested in musical instruments and the joy of playing music.  Isn’t that a worthwhile effort since so many kids these days are into drugs, sex, gangs, and various crimes?  No wonder they named the syndrome, “Grumpy old men!”

            The last observation occurred when a parent explained that her sixth grader couldn’t ride a bicycle yet.  Her reason was that as older parents, they weren’t able to show the child how to do it by example.  That caused me to wonder how many other skills we find lacking in children may be due to couples waiting longer to have children.  So, I mention it here as a yellow cautionary flag to new parents: check out physical skills children are usually expected to have before entering school.  If age makes it hard to teach children these skills, find a young person who might like to help you out!  The child will certainly benefit from the effort.

            I just remembered another experience worth sharing.  One of our preschoolers has really been bothered by his father growing a beard.  I tried kidding the child by asking when he was going to start his beard like his dad’s.  He said, “It will take a bazillion years to grow and then you will die!”  Isn’t it funny how differently children and adults view time?!  

-          Kay

Age is something I have been thinking about a lot lately. I have been 22 for just over a month now. In the grand scheme of things, I am fairly young. However, we have recently taken on a team of interns at work, and for the first time I am finding myself unable to relate with those younger than me. A few of our interns are under 18, and I cannot believe how differently we think. This has been incredibly eye opening because it has been the first time that I have found myself on the adult side of the equation.

At the same time, I am also the youngest person on my team. There is one other person that is close to my age, and then after that most of my team is at least six years older than me. While the interns make me feel old, the staff makes me feel like a child. This has been an interesting dynamic to work through, and this week another wrench was thrown into the equation. We recently brought on a new intern and she has been great. She is responsive, knowledgeable and helpful. I found out this week that she is older than me. This has really challenged my concept of age and power. Generally, we associate the progression of age with the progression of power. This concept is so infinitely ingrained into my brain that I refuse to disclose my age to this intern. This might be the wrong way of looking at this, but I feel like if she found out that she is older than me, that she would no longer respect me.

This is a societal issue that has been deeply ingrained into brains. I’ve said it before, and I will say it again- Millennials are completely changing the structure of our workforce. Startup culture has encouraged younger people to disregard the traditional corporate ladder structure of progressing in a career. We see younger and younger people starting their own companies and seeing success in their 20’s instead of working their way up in a company. This is exciting for those of us that do not want to wait to start our careers. For the younger people out there, please see this as a note of encouragement. Your opportunities are endless. At the end of the day, age really is just a number.

-          Bria  

Laying a Foundation

Laying a foundation is very important …not only in a building’s construction, but also in the preparation of a child for his/her formal schooling.  If there are empty spaces left in that foundation, that which is built may eventually collapse. 

            As I was eating lunch today with my husband, I observed a small baby about six months old sitting at the next booth with his parents.  I was amazed to see the baby keeping perfect rhythm with the music playing over the speakers.  I thought to myself, “Maybe children today will be better musicians since many of their parents are of a generation that hasmusic playing in the background most of the time.  In fact, many of the babies probably were exposed to music throughout their mother’s pregnancy.”  Of one thing I was sure: this baby was keeping perfect rhythm with the music’s beat!

            I do know my grandson has a natural talent for picking up any instrument and playing music easily with it.  His mother played the piano and sang almost every day of her pregnancy and listened to the radio almost continuously.  Is there a correlation?  Several studies have been done in this area which show babies can remember up to four months and react to melodies heard in the womb. 

            I think the key for successful learning in children is building a strong foundation with repeated time and activity devoted to the desired outcome.  For example, a child will be better prepared for the school experience if the parent will make efforts to leave the child with other caretakers on many different occasions in many different situations.  It is an exhausting experience for my preschool teachers to deal with a child who has never been away from his/her mother for any period of time…until that first day of school!  A child must be prepared for that time of separation. 

            Children must be exposed to playing with other children before they can make a smooth transition to being in a classroom.  Even periods of play at a playground in a park or a play area in a mall can help the child to recognize there are other beings in their world with needs and feelings similar to their own.  Of course, at first, play may be only alongside of others rather than “with” them, but it’s a very important first step!

            Parents need to allow their children to fall down, pick themselves up, and go on playing in spite of the small scrape that is bound to happen with children at play.  Unless the hurt is bleeding or serious, the child needs to become resilient by going on with life.  The scratch can be treated later at a more convenient time.  Children of “helicopter parents” expect the whole playground to shut down when a scrape or tumble occurs, and their vocal “siren” to bring things to a halt usually is effective.  However, it does raise everyone’s stress level and takes time away from the limited recess period for everyone.

            I have been amazed at the parenting done by my teachers whose babies came to school with them every day.  I watched these one and two year old children play along with our regular students aged 3-5 on the playground.  Following the modeling of the older children, these little ones handled all things well, including climbing up ladders to the tornado slide and sliding down.   One of these children just finished her first two weeks of summer school camps as a three year old who will attend PK in August.  She was perfectly adapted to school life, meeting and interacting with new students, and doing classroom activities.  She did give a little whimper as Mom left for home, but she sniffed once or twice and went right on with school activities for the whole day.  I think she had a great foundation laid for a successful school career!  

-          Kay

As our family closes the book on the college years, my mind turns to those families anxiously preparing to send their loved ones off to college in a couple of months.  I remember stacks of boxes in the garage being added to daily with “just one more item he/she might need,” and the subsequent hauling “Beverly Hillbilly-style” of all that stuff to Chicago.  There is so much more to preparing a child for college, though, and it begins way earlier than the senior year of high school.

     There are three main areas of preparation necessary in secondary school:  1) balancing work and fun, 2) budgeting and doing chores, and 3) networking

      Balancing Work and Fun

      I have often told my students that college itself is not fun; it’s harder work and lots more of it.  If they make a plan that does not allow procrastination, though, they will have time for some of the best fun of their lives.  In my English/Lit class, the kids have a whole week to get their writing assignments to me via email… the final due date being Sunday evening at midnight.  Over my fourteen years of teaching at Lawton Academy, the number of students who turn in their papers in the first two days averages about two students a year.  The percentage who turn it in within an hour of the midnight deadline, however, is around 85%!  Since these kids have roughly thirty weekly writing assignments per year and I have them for multiple years, I get a lot of opportunity to talk to them about procrastinating – especially when the Internet goes out on Sunday evening!

     As a parent, you should be involving your teen in the process of deciding when to do homework.  Left to his or her own, most teens will put it off till five minutes before lights out, figuring you will let them stay up to do something “so important.”  This habit will not change unless you make it uncomfortable to do.  Preemptive:  let your teen set the time he or she will do homework, but make it known that you expect an appropriate amount of time be given each evening to studies.  Making the study area in a family living space where light monitoring can occur is not out of the question (and highly recommended).  If you do this in middle school, the habit will be established enough in high school to continue with less supervision.  You should also recognize that your high schooler is beginning to become a night owl, and as such, will be prone to fill the evening with social interaction and leave the homework for after the curfew you set for being in the house at night.  Setting the curfew at 10:00 p.m., for instance, allows for the teen to do the work from ten to midnight.  While some mothers are probably raising their eyebrows at this, doing the homework late at night is important prep work for college.  College students sometimes have to work in groups with people who don’t get off their jobs till late evening, and sometimes it’s your kid who is having to work a job and go to school at the same time.  They should not expect a solid eight hours of sleep in college – it’s not going to happen!

   College is the last opportunity your son/daughter has to really have fun with a large group of friends.  Help them to see that the fun of college comes if you actually get to stay there, and that won’t happen if they don’t make the grades.

     Budgeting and Chores

    I cannot believe the number of secondary students I see each year who do no chores and have a steady supply of money.  What horrible training for college!  I have been known to tell my students that the mother who does everything for them is crippling them so they will never leave her side.  If she truly loved them, she would teach them to fly. 

   In my own family, I continued the practice my parents used:  the children have chores because they are part of the family and they have allowance because they are part of the family.  The two are not related (they don’t get one because of the other).  The allowance included the amount needed to cover the expenses I expected them to pay and a little more.  In my better organized years, I did the whole budgeting idea with them:  some goes to tithe, some to wallet for immediate purchases, some to short-term savings (like for a Six Flags trip coming up), and some to long-term savings for college or a car, every $50 of which we would match.  I still like that plan a lot.

   I will admit that I used the allowance to teach.  My son kept forgetting to take out the trash.  My father pointed out that he didn’t need to remember; I would remind him each Sunday.  So, for a couple of Sundays, I didn’t remind him, and the trash didn’t get taken out (by him).  When allowance time came, I “forgot” to pay him.  He would mention it a day or so later, and I would say, “Oh, that’s unfortunate.  I forgot.  I promise, I won’t forget next week.”  Then I’d walk away.  It didn’t take long for him to get the point and remember to take the trash out!

    In college, your child will be tempted to spend money to go out - nightly, he will have to keep quarters to do laundry, and he will buy at every impulse.  You have simply got to teach your child to budget now. 

     Similarly, college students do not see the need to clean until they move out of the dorm!  You don’t have to make a neat freak out of them (because no one will want your child as a roommate!), but you can teach them how not to be a health hazard!  Doing laundry, cleaning sinks and toilets and showers, and mopping are three key areas to hit before heading off to college.

    Networking

    The whole point of college is to get a job at the end.  That will not happen if your child does not network during the college years.  Applications are a dime a dozen; the only thing that counts is who knows you.  Internships are a great way to get known.  When your teen chooses a college, make sure the town in which the college is located can support another person in the chosen field because the internship is likely to lead to a position.  If your teen doesn’t like the area or is in an already-saturated field, it is your turn to prepare… for him/her to move back home!

    Both of my children had work right out of college.  This is to their credit.  Both did the necessary interning and networking to get known by the right kinds of people, and both have achieved much more than their peers. When someone says to me that there are just not jobs to be had, I shake my head knowingly, but inside, I am thinking, “Your child didn’t network enough.”

    Networking doesn’t come naturally.  It requires confidence to walk up and introduce yourself to someone who could later help you.  To gain that confidence, you need to teach your children while in their teens to do this.  One great way is to volunteer in the community.  Volunteering requires meeting people, talking to them to assess their needs, and connecting them with those who can help.  There are so many opportunities for volunteering in the community, but very few of them will just let a teen come into help without the parent being involved.  Make this a priority; I guarantee it will pay off in the long run… the end benefit being that maybe they will become philanthropic when they reap the successes afforded them because you laid these foundations early!

-          Michelle

The topic of laying foundations is very interesting to me because I am in a unique position in my place of work to lay the foundation for something big. If you don’t already know, I work at a co-working space for physical product innovation and manufacturing. This space features 2.5 million dollars-worth of equipment, including laser cutters, 3D printers, SMT lines, woodworking tools, and more. While we have the space and we have the equipment, we are only three months old, and we are still laying the foundation for what this organization will be moving forward. I am a part of a small team that is building and shaping the foundation off which we will base everything we do.

This is both an intimidating and exciting position in which to be. On the one hand, being a large organization with a small staff means that each decision is more influential than you know. One mistake can cause major problems down the line for our predecessors. On the other hand, we are empowered to make a lot of the important decisions individually, rather than as a team. Everything we are doing right now is a foundation that we are creating and upon which we will grow.

There are a lot of times in our lives where we are laying foundations for what’s to come. Our entire education system is in place to lay a foundation of skills and information that will eventually prepare us for our work. If you have worked hard and laid a strong foundation throughout your schooling, it is easier to build a career on top of it. A shaky foundation or a foundation with some holes in it will not support a successful career without some problems.

This can also be applied in terms of personal values and ethics. Throughout our time growing up in our parent’s home, the foundations of our moral compass are laid and developed. This will come partially from us, but typically it is primarily from our parents. Laying a strong ethical foundation at a young age can keep you out of trouble as you grow up.

The foundation is an essential part of any structure. The key to foundations is that they are laid first. Building and developing strong foundations at a young age will help you succeed in creating a strong structure with your life. You can’t go back and redo your foundation after the building has started; anything after that is just repair work.

-          Bria

Finishing

    As of 3:00 p.m., Bria is now an alumna of DePaul University! Having practiced the routine last year for her undergraduate degree, we came well-prepared this year.  While others wait in 91-degree heat to leave a parking lot of a thousand cars while a thousand more try to enter for the next graduation, we are relaxing in our hotel room.  In honor of commencement speeches, here's a few thoughts from each of us:

     What looks like a finish is really a beginning, as all these graduates begin searching for work!      - Kay

     I'm losing a huge time-commitment, but I'm filling it as fast as I can with work!  IAM thankful to have a job, though.   - Bria

     "It's just you and me in the house now, JT."  sniff, sniff   - Michelle

    As I am fond of saying, there is no Land of Done.  Bria is not finishing... just transitioning. We wish you and yours a wonderful week, and we will write separately next week when we're not in Chicago.